Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

A mental health chat

By on November 30, 2016


I don’t think the main issue is me being ‘cured’ as such. When I open up about my anxiety, I openly know and accept that it will always linger and won’t ever go away.

It can get extremely scary sometimes. Being constrained to your own thoughts of utter hopelessness and feeling like the whole world is closing in on you. To be honest, I thought that those feelings were normal a year ago. I thought that it was something everyone went through on a daily basis, and that crying at 1am in the morning over people in my life ‘hating’ me was normal.

I was definitely never as open with my mental illness as I am now. I still struggle to explain to my parents regarding what is going on in my head because I feel like I’m going mad. I mean, how come I think all my friends hate me? How come I believe I’m a burden and no one wants to be around me anymore? It may sound completely irrational, but it’s real to me.

I denied the fact that I had anxiety. I refused to see anyone and get help because I believed that I was just wasting people’s time if i did seek help because obviously, others deserve it more than me. I turned into a train wreck. I turned into someone who I din’t recognise anymore, and that is one of the scariest things I’ve had to endure yet.

It’s not just ‘feeling anxious in public.’ As much as I have those days where I don’t want to leave my house because I feel physically sick at the thought of being in public, it’s a lot more than that. The thing with generalised anxiety disorder is that it’s like everything you imagine anxiety to be, and a whole lot more. I wish people understood that it was a lot more than just feeling ‘on edge’ now and then. Everyone gets anxious. It’s human nature. Anxiety however is more feeling anxious and a whole lot else on top of that.

There are still times where I sit up at 1am in the morning and have to go to the toilet because I feel like I’m going to throw up. The thought of going on a ‘night out’ excites me (don’t get me wrong), but I get extremely anxious before the event. i hate how busy it can get and how trapped I feel. I worry about getting drunk before alcohol has even entered my system. I go over scenarios in my head over how to get out of a ‘night out’ and just run away.

But I don’t run anymore.

I make sure to put myself in the right mindset, and conquer. Defying all odds, I still end up going out. A simple task to many takes me hours of mental preparation to tell myself, “right, go out for your friends and have a good time.” My anxiety may be my mental illness, but it won’t be my downfall.

It can’t be cured. I can imagine myself even now starting my new apprenticeship and getting worried and stressed over having to interact with new people and to try to not mess anything up. It’ll always be an annoying linger, but it’s going to have to be an annoying linger that I come to terms with how to control. And my down and off days? I will face them head on. Because it’s okay to have those days, and it’s okay to have days where you don’t want to leave the house. It’s okay because in some ways, them days can make you even more determined for when you conquer those fears.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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body positivity | Empowerment | Me & my life | Uncategorized

Embrace your quirks

By on November 23, 2016


I don’t know. Has anyone else felt as though you constantly live in someone else’s shadows? Like you are not your own ‘wonderful’ human being while you’re around them, but simply there for their own self rather than considering you?

There was a time when I lived every day of my life like this. Like I felt as though I wasn’t worthy of being my own human being because I figured everyone saw as little in me as I viewed in myself. Now, this isn’t going to be a soppy and depressing blog post, but rather something that triggered in my mind while I was awake in the early hours of yesterday morning.

The fact is, we all have are own space in this world whether we realise it or not. I’m a strong believer in the idea that we were all put on this earth for a reason, and we are all worthy of living. I find it upsetting how many people view themselves as worthless when they could simply be some of the most amazing people that this world has to offer.

I have recently had a glimpse of what it felt like to feel like I was living in someone else’s shadow again. Like they are in the centre of the universe while everyone else is kinda just… there. It’s upsetting, and it’s certainly toxic to my own mind to get feelings of such worthlessness.

I think the whole point of this blog post is to simply remind people to be kind and considerate of others. To acknowledge the fact that everyone is quirky in their own way and that no one should deserve to be mocked or ridiculed for how they are. Sure, there are some people that you simply aren’t going to like in this world, and there’s most probably a bunch of people who dislike me.

But the fact of the matter is that no one is worthless, and no one should be made to feel that way. We are all equals whether we like it or not. Whether that is based on race, gender, religion etc or even our personalities. Someone who makes crappy jokes and dances for no reason is just as worthy as someone who chooses a different sort of lifestyle.

Remind yourself, and especially remind others, that it’s each others quirkiness that make us human. We all seem to say this a lot, but it really would be boring if we were all the same. Embrace it and flaunt it. As much as I am trying to embrace my quirky moments, there are times where I feel like I’m being mocked and ridiculed for them. Judgement can really be a painful thing, don’t be the person who is the main contributor to that pain.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Motivation | Uncategorized

An exploding, happy heart

By on October 12, 2016


I figured I would write this blog post now while I’m in this liberating mindset rather than wait until tomorrow even though it’s 1am and my eyes are shutting as I’m typing this.

However, I feel as though happiness is something that deserves to be expressed and shared. In a world full of such negative energy, sometimes it’s good to have that contrast and to talk about something other than all the negative and upsetting things this world has to offer at the moment.

Nevertheless, I wanted to write this post from a place of genuine happiness. From a place of someone who is finally coming into their own, and a place of reflection above anything else. If you have followed my blog for the past 3 months, you may have become aware of the fact that I’m an avid thinker. I spend my life thinking, overthinking, and analysing everything and anything.

Whilst thinking about everything tonight, I immediately became overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of pure happiness, something which is always my goal to achieve. If I’m going to be completely honest, I never would have thought 3 weeks ago that I would be sat here writing a post about happiness. If any of you read my blog posts from then, a few of them where quite muffled and not my usual style of writing. I was in a pretty bad state, and I think my blog posts at the time where a reflection of that unfortunately. I was in a bad place emotionally, and probably the worst I’ve been, ever. It became a task for me to leave the house, and it felt like the whole world was slowly suffocating me.

It was honestly difficult for me to pick myself back up and decide to keep working towards being genuinely happy again. When you’re in that draining mindset, it tends to keep sucking you in more and more. My moods tend to switch over periods of time, and that’s something which scares me about my anxiety. I can be strong for months, and then crumble in the space of a day.

But here I am. I’m still here, and I’m a lot calmer. After reflecting on everything, I decided to keep moving forward and to try to get myself back on track again.

You know that kind of happiness where you sit there and just smile, but also want to cry at the same time? That’s how overwhelmed I’m feeling at the moment. If any of you follow me on Twitter or Instagramyou may have noticed that a lot of my pictures involve me smiling more; and I think that says it all. After trying to pretend to everyone around me these past couple of weeks that I’m totally fine, I have come back with genuine smiles and a genuine sense of me again.

It’s never too late to pick yourself up from a fall. It’s never too late to put yourself back on track and continue to get to where you want to go in life. I view these past couple of weeks as a ‘bump in the road’ sort of thing- something I managed to overcome, and something I’m sure I can, and will, overcome again next time.

Nothing seems to phase me at the moment. You could honestly say what you want about me, and I won’t sit there and worry about it for a good week and make myself ill. I think that just proves how much my mind has revamped itself in the past week, and I’m incredibly happy and relieved to be in a good, positive, healthy place again.

So here I am. My blog has, and always will be, a personal reflection of my life, my state of mind and everything in between. I plan to share everything here, because it’s my own personal space in the corner of the internet. Although this post was pretty personal, I feel so much better for getting it out there- even if 2 people read this post. Because the fact of the matter is that happiness deserves to be celebrated, and progress deserves to be recognised. This post won’t just act as a reminder for myself when I’m at a low point again, but also to anyone else who is in a similar frame of mind like how I was 2-3 weeks ago.

Treat this as a ‘bump in the road’ and never waver from the long term goal of happiness. Although it may not be achievable all the time, it certainly is achievable and not impossible.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | Me & my life | Motivation | relationships | Uncategorized

Am I good enough?

By on September 24, 2016

I have heard so many people refer to this idea. ‘Am I good enough for him / her?’ ‘Am I good enough for myself?’ As someone who battles anxiety on a daily basis, I constantly pressure myself to be good enough. It may sound completely stupid, but the impact I make on people’s lives, and how others perceive me as plays a big part in my life.

So, am I good enough? The answer is that I don’t know if I am good enough to others… but I shouldn’t have to be. I have reached a point where I’m good enough for myself and that’s all that matters. If I stick to the person who I want to be, and continue to grow in myself, then I’m completely happy with that.

There’s been times where I got so bogged down about not being good enough for someone. It was only a couple of months ago where I used to sit there and wish I wasn’t me, and I was a totally different person. It’s worrying how little I used to think about myself, and how I would constantly beat myself up over things that are simply out of my control.

As well as people, I occasionally have a tendency to tell myself my “blog isn’t good enough,” and the same goes with my writing and poetry. I presssure myself to be perfect, but perfection is out of my reach. At the end of the day, my blog may not have “top class” writing, or my poems may not be like Shakespeare, but I’m happy to create these pieces of writing and continue to develop and better them over time (so basically please bare with me!) I guess this is the main reason why I simply get so overwhelmed when someone compliments my writing, or tell me they can relate to me and my thoughts. It’s crazy to imagine that my writing is good enough to someone.

To be completely honest, I feel extremely vulnerable and sensitive when I refer to this topic. It’s hard for me to reflect back on when I felt utterly hopeless, and that I could never live up to people’s expectations. I spent the whole of my last relationship worried about “not being good enough,” and him deserving ten times better than the person I was. I’ve soon began to realise that it wasn’t fair on either of us for me to think that. There was a reason I was in a relationship with him, and maybe I’m not as much of a bad person as I think I am.

It baffles me when people tell me I’m “one of the most amazing people they’ve ever met” or that I “light up their life even a little bit.” I’ve never seen that in myself, and I’ve always strived to be good to everyone and impact on their lives, but never thought I’d ever reached those goals. Granted, I don’t believe it when I get told this. Maybe because I’m extremely insecure and only just coming to terms and being happy in myself.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is how I physically hate myself for not being good enough. I was thinking about this the other day, and came to the conclusion that everything everyone hates or dislikes in me, I’m already aware of, and I’ve hated about myself at one point too. If you’re going to point out why I’m not good enough for you, I already know and I’ve already realised it. When it comes down to it, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the person I loved and cared for the most because of this very reason and that’s pretty scary.

On the flip side, don’t expect others to be ‘good enough’ for you. If they’re trying their hardest, then that’s all that matters. There’s nothing worse than someone feeling so emotional and under pressure over the thought of not being good enough for someone or living up to people’s standards- trust me, you’re doing okay just being you.

When overcoming these dominant and toxic thoughts, I’ve noticed that the only person you need to be good enough for is yourself. If someone hates you, or if someone misunderstands you and judges you, that’s their problem. I will not turn into people’s negative expectations, and I’ll continue doing me and being happy in me. I deserve to give myself credit where credit is due. I’m far from perfect, but there must be some things that make people want to have me in their lives- even if they’re small.

The bottom line is that you won’t please everyone, and that’s okay. I have people who probably hate my guts and can’t stand me. But the people who know me certainly know I’m not what other people perceive me as. Deep down, there’s someone in me that gets lost. Someone in me that feels so low about themselves. But there’s also someone who knows that I only have to please myself. And guess what? I’m pretty happy with myself at the moment. I’m making the right decisions. I’m making positive steps forward to recovery, and I’m constantly bettering myself and my lifestyle. It’s taken a lot of strength and patience for me to get here, and that’s friggen amazing. Even though people may judge you, you’re good enough for me and you’re certainly good enough for yourself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

It's okay not to be okay

By on September 14, 2016


We all have experienced points in our life when we’re “not okay.” But do we sometimes pressure ourselves too much sometimes to be okay and not accept that not being okay is totally normal?

As someone who has severe anxiety, both social and general, there are times when I get into really bad and scary states. I get angry at myself for having panic attacks, for nearly throwing up, or for hysterically crying on the floor about things that shouldn’t matter. I get the feeling that everyone is out to judge me and that me not being okay is me not being the person I aim to be which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Of course, I try my hardest to be an overall happy and positive person. If anyone knows me personally, you’ll know that that’s normally the case. In my mind, having ‘bad days’ is me letting myself down- and I’m my own biggest enemy. I judge myself and I pressure myself too much to be okay, without realising that it’s okay not to be okay.

This especially applies to my life and state of mind at the moment. After living my life for the past 2 months in complete happiness, I am slowly beginning to have anxiety attacks regularly again. I have waves of being okay and totally fine, to having panic attacks daily and I’ve noticed that this has been the case with my anxiety for a while.

In some ways, my state of mind is very contradictive at the moment. I’ve reached a stage where I’m confident in myself (especially in my body and appearance- it’s been a long time coming), and in who I want to become. At the same time however, I have been through some of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever had at the moment. I beat myself up over this- and blame myself. After all, it’s me who believes that everyone hates me, so how do I get back out of this vicious circle?

The solution? It’s okay not to be okay. It will pass. Let your body and mind have their ‘moments,’ and see past them. I’m a big believer in looking forward, not back, and that’s exactly where I’m heading right now. I have so many amazing things coming up in my life, with my blog; and life in general, and I have to go through the bad points to come out to the good. That’s why it’s okay not to be okay- not only because it’s human nature to not be okay sometimes, but also because not being okay helps make me stronger and more fearless to my anxious thoughts.

This is a message to all of you reading this right now: no one expects you to be happy all the time. You could be the happiest, bubbly, most positive person going and still have ‘off days.’ Trust me, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. That’s what makes you most alive.

lil extra note: It would be very humbling to me if you could nominate me for a Cosmopolitan Influencers Award in the category Best Newcomer here. Here are also all the details you’ll need:

Thank you! xo

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | Me & my life | Uncategorized

Why I'm happy in being a sensitive person

By on August 17, 2016


After looking at my life and my own personality, I have come to the conclusion that I must be quite a sensitive person. I mean, you could joke about something with me, and I’d most likely think you were telling the truth. Yeah I know, I’m sorry.

I recently read a very eye opening post on why being sensitive may be a good thing. I always wished I wasn’t such a sensitive person, and that it was such an utterly bad trait to have. Sigh, how I wished I was more thick skinned. But I have recently come to the realisation that there can be some good that comes out of being sensitive. Yes, I totally just basically said that I’m happy in being a sensitive person.

I read that sensitive people tend to understand people more. This is because when they get hurt, they know how much it can hurt. They don’t like seeing others in that kind of position because they understand. I feel like this explains me to a T. I tend to put myself in the position of the person who’s hurting and will do anything to make them happy again. Whether that’s dropping everything at 11 at night, or travelling 2 hours to help a friend in need. I thrive off being there for others because I know how it feels to be so alone.

I mean, you can bet that I’d whisk you away on a day trip to the zoo, or to the beach just to make sure you’re okay again. I’m cute like that you see, wink wink.

The same post I read also highlighted the point that highly sensitive people love to go on adventures and are more in tune with nature and the world around them. Considering I always have the need to explore new places, go on adventures, and totally obsess over the sky; this has opened my eyes to the most down to earth facors that can come out of being sensitive. If you want to make me happy, literally take me on an adventure… even if it’s in your back garden to look at the sky. I’d probably love you forever for that, there and then.

Sensitive people are more likely to also have racing minds, with 5,000 thoughts roaming around their head at once. Considering I created this blog to help put all these erratic thoughts into words, I think it’s safe to say that getting deep and opening my eyes to the real world around me may be a good thing.

And finally I’m such an unbelievably ‘needy’ person and I totally hate that. I get very insecure sometimes, okay. Just reassure me that you don’t hate me and you actually mean what you say, and I’ll be all good. I cannot be lied to. That’s the thing about sensitive people, the truth hurts them more than the average person; but they’ll take it better than constant lies.

For some, being sensitive may be a bad trait to have, but for me it’s a blessing in disguise. By being sensitive and having a deeper understanding of things, I am able to continuously remind people how much they mean to me because I understand how it feels. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, because I put myself in their shoes. Maybe that’s what makes me open to getting hurt again, however.

I may be a sensitive person, and it may get on your last nerve. But I’d rather be sensitive and have my eyes so open to the world and people around me than the alternative. I’m happy living my ‘lil sensitive life.

Do you class yourself as quite a sensitive person? Or if not, do you know anyone who is quite sensitive? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment box below!

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | Feminism | Uncategorized

Feminism: my view on the movement

By on July 28, 2016


Feminism. What do you think of when you first hear that word? Some may think of gender equality (which it is), whereas others may apply more negative connotations to it.

It is no secret that I openly label myself as a Feminist. I know a lot of people may support egalitarianism, yet not put a label on it, and that’s totally fine too. But I’m proud to call myself a Feminist. I’m proud to be part of a movement which, even nearly 100 years on, still empowers women worldwide today.

Like many Feminists, I have also been open to scrutiny and ridicule from a lot of people. “Western society is equal!” I’ve even once been told that “Feminism is cancer” and that it makes me a total psycho supporting a gender equality movement, but we’ll move onto that point a bit later on.

Feminist: A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.

Let’s strip this down to a way in which everyone will try to understand why I’m a Feminist. I’m a Feminist because I believe in equality. It’s as simple as that. I feel like Feminism has been blown out of proportion, and has slowly been changed due to growing assumptions that “Feminists cry about being oppressed all day” or my personal favourite, “Feminists hate men!” You may use the argument that some Feminists hate men, and I’m sure there are some women that hate men. But that’s not a Feminist. Bottom line, I love men. Some of my bestest friends are male and I love them just as much as my female friends. It’s not about hating men, it’s about being equal to men and vise versa.

I’m going to go quite personal now, and talk about my personal view on Feminism and how I perceive the Feminist movement. After labeling myself as a Feminist for nearly 3 years now, I have increasingly become more educated on the matter, and more open to alternative opinions on gender inequality and about the role of women in various societies all together.

Western society. It is no secret that the role of women has improved dramatically over the past 100 years- especially in my society. Heck, women can now vote, we’ve had our first female prime minister (and just had our second), girls and boys have so many amazing opportunities that go against gender stereotypes. I mean, if I wanted to be an electrician that used to be a typical male job, I could be. And you know what else? I think it’s cool as hell if men want to wear make-up and men want to express themselves in that way. Breaking down gender stereotypes people…

I think it’s important, as people, that we look at the positive aspects which have come out of the Feminist movement. Our society is becoming more and more equal between men and women, and that should be celebrated more often. Sure, there are still issues such as ‘rape culture,’ and ‘slut shaming’ for instance, but let’s look at how our society has been positively changed.

I know and understand that a lot of western Feminists, even Feminists that I know of myself, speak up about issues such as the ‘wage gap’ a lot. However, I tend to personally stay out of them issues, not because I am ignorant to them issues, but because I feel like I’m not educated enough on them topics to speak up about them. I personally believe that the wage gap is hard. It’s easy for statistics to be manipulated, especially now that we do have equal opportunities to go into whatever job we want. Granted, however, it may be harder for  a woman to go into a typical male job for instance.

Of course if I was slut shamed, I would speak up because it’s no secret that it’s not right. On the other hand, and this is where a lot of other Feminists may open me up to scrutiny, I concentrate my energy about speaking up on other issues that exist in middle eastern cultures for example. Or let’s talk about how women are still shamed for wearing a skirt just above their knee in our education system as it’s “too distracting for the male pupils.”

I personally feel like Feminism is such a hard topic to write about, as it’s easy for people to disagree with you on such a diverse topic. But I’m a strong believer that Feminism should be stripped down to what it’s actually about, equality (rather than constantly pin pointing certain subjects to talk about all the time).

Another issue that is raised by a lot of Feminists, and which I was approached about today, is the subject of wolf whistling in public. Oh ‘good old’ wolf whistling. For me personally, I believe each to their own. Of course many men and women may feel flattered by being wolf whistled, but for me personally, it makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed; but I guess that’s just a personal response. I would personally not wolf whistle anyone as I believe it’s more respectful not to, but everyone has their own opinions on the matter.

Middle Eastern societies. It is no secret that this is where Feminism definitely is needed. Even just talking about FGM and forced marriages would be enough to convince you that middle eastern societies are far from being equal.

In fact, one of my most favourite Feminist writers, El Saadawi, talked about FGM and her experience of the patriarchy which surrounds it. For any of you who are unaware, FGM (female genital mutilation) “is the practice, traditional in some cultures, of partially or totally removing the external genitalia of girls and young women for non-medical reasons.” You can read the article in which El Saadawi addresses the issue of FGM here.

Overall, I believe that Feminism is a hard topic to talk about- especially because there are so many opinions which surround it. I have been shamed for being a Feminist, but the fact is, I’m quite a low key Feminist. I only speak up about issues when I feel like it needs to be said, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant to the movement either. I will continue to work towards promoting equality within societies worldwide, and I will not be shamed or ridiculed for my views on equality.

It’s time we lived in a more equal and accepting society. You may not agree with everything I have mentioned in this post, and that’s totally okay. But people should become more aware, and accepting, of other peoples opinions regarding issues such as Feminism and take them into consideration.

I support a movement which has the interests of men and women at heart. I support a movement which helps empower men and women. I support a movement which helps me stand up for myself and my body in a world where, yeah, there still is some misogyny. I support a movement which also states it’s ridiculous that women get child custody more than men do. I support a movement which promotes equality. I am sick of being labelled constantly because of Feminist misconceptions, or due to other people already labeling the kind of person they think Feminists are. Guess what? We’re all unique humans, and we all have our unique opinions.

#IAmAFeminist because I believe in equal rights for all. Whether that’s white women, black women, black men, white men, transgender or otherwise. Everyone deserves to be treated the same in this world. We’re all human after all.

I hope this post has helped give you a different perspective on Feminists, or Femnism, as a whole if nothing else. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, and leave a comment in the comment box below!

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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