Me & my life | Uncategorized

Why I delayed going to university

By on March 15, 2017


Oh university. I feel like all my friends are currently having the time of their lives (or maybe not who knows?) at university at the moment. Considering most of my friends went onto higher education, and some are living away, I often regret not going to university straight after college, but at the same time know that it was the right decision for me.

To be honest, I didn’t fully know what I wanted to do with my life until a couple of months ago, and I still don’t know if I do. But at the time of the ‘university application process,’ it just did not interest me at all. At the end of the day, university is a lot of money to spend on education if you’re not 100% set on what you want to do. It’s hard, and it’s certainly a big decision.

As well as not knowing what I wanted to study, I also put off going to university because I don’t think I am fully ready to go yet. I am 18, and I want to live my life a little bit before I truly commit to something that I passionately want to do for the rest of my life. Go out, get drunk, socialise with friends, make memories, experience lots of amazing things.

I also wanted to get experience in various jobs before I went to university. I’ve really worked on improving my CV over the past year, and I want to experience a job environment before I step into the big wide world. I am a strong believer in making the most of life while you can and cherishing every moment, something in which I can proudly say I have done over the past year or so.

However, none of this means to say that I will never go to university. In fact, I have my sights set on looking at a few different universities over the next year (yes, I desperately want to move away and use university as a ‘new chapter’ in my life). At the moment, I am looking at studying digital marketing whenever I go to university, as it’s basically everything that I enjoy doing. Blogging. Social media promotion. I want to study something when I’m ready, but for now, I want to continue enjoying being young. And hey, who knows if this ‘gap year’ turns into ‘5 gap years,’ but I certainly am optimistic and looking forward to the future.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | Uncategorized

New beginnings

By on February 22, 2017

I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I’ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I’m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to find myself getting involved in them… head first… at 50 mph without meaning to.

So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to try to sort all this out in my own head and give myself some peace for once? I decided to tackle this by writing it all down here, in this blog post. Because the fact of the matter is that I will make mistakes. I will do things that I regret. I’ll sit there and think, “come on Becca, just stop.” I’ll just start again.

I am far from perfect. I don’t ever claim to be, and I don’t ever claim to have everything in check all the time. I don’t think I would be human if I did everything right. I have feelings, and sometimes feelings and emotion can get the better of me (as much as I try not to let it).

I want to leave the past in the past so incredibly much, yet something always seems to happen to bring it back to present day. It’s like something that I can’t seem to get rid of, and it worms it’s way back in. One thing after another. Constantly.

I vowed that 2017 would be a year of new beginnings. Motivation. Practice. Peace. And looking after myself first and foremost for once ! And in most ways, that has been the case. I am incredibly proud and humbled with everything that I have achieved this year already- and I am incredibly proud of being able to acknowledge what, and who, is good or bad for my health.

But like I said, I can’t be in check all the time. If someone claims to be perfect all the time and never admits to making mistakes, don’t believe them. It is a basic human trait. You have to make mistakes, to learn. You have to regret things, to vow never to do them again. You have to mess up sometimes so you can bounce back as a stronger and better you.

I feel like I am constantly screaming over who I am. I feel constantly misunderstood, or judged like people know the background reasoning behind my actions. Why I do things. Why I say things. When in all honesty, I don’t think even I have an explanation regarding some of my actions. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t; even I’m still trying to work that part out. But my mistakes do not make me a bad person. They do not undermine the fundamental factors about myself that I seem to want to embrace the most. They do not define me.

I am brave enough to sit here and admit to my mistakes. To look back at actions that I regret and realise why I messed up that one time. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to my new job, my new friends, starting the gym. Here’s to recovery and looking after my own mental health first and foremost. And you know what? Here’s to embracing who I am; despite all my mistakes. Because I’m human, and I’m proud of not claiming otherwise.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Uncategorized

A mix of emotions

By on December 28, 2016


This blog post actually wasn’t meant to go up today, or even be written at all but I have become so consumed in my thoughts, feelings, and life tonight that I couldn’t not express everything in one rambling post.

If you read my, ‘A conclusion’ post, then you kind of have a head start when it comes to this post, because it leads on from that. Of course, that post was meant to be a conclusion, and ending. But unfortunately, everything hasn’t just stopped there and I needed to confess everything here before my mind physically combusts. Wait, can that actually happen?

Nevertheless, I am absolutely petrified to post this, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I am ultimately scared of, but it’s something. The thing is, people sometimes aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes they can end up being the total opposite, and completely shock you.

In a way, a part of me still loves the genuine person that is behind whatever else seems to be going on at the moment which is much to my annoyance. And yes, ‘the thing going on’ just so happens to be cheating. But I guess you can’t help how you feel. A part of me wants to look at the bigger picture and not just see things as black and white. There must be a main motivation behind someone’s hurtful actions, even if you may not be able to see them at first. However, that doesn’t mean that they should be discounted or justified.

As much as their actions can’t be defended, I think it’s also important to not blindly look at who they actually are. People see wonderful things in other people that they don’t happen to see in themselves, and I feel like this is certainly the case in this situation. Because as much as I want to proclaim hatred, talk about how mad and annoyed I may be, or simply kick off screaming and shouting, I won’t.

I care about this person more than I probably have anyone else, and after everything that’s happened please don’t ask me why. Yes, I’m probably naive and I hate myself for it. But people aren’t all bad, and cheating certainly isn’t the worst thing that happens in this world.

For now, I am going to calmly sit back and hope that somehow, someway, things sort themselves. That in time, this person will truly find themselves and truly grow. As cliche as it sounds, I think that’s it really. We grow and learn, and I guess this person that I have been talking about in this blog post will do that in their own time.

Am I surprised at how this blog post has panned out? In a way, yes. This person seemed to have hurt me, and just left quicker than he came. I don’t see how I can still have no negative feelings for someone like that- and in some ways I guess that shows strength. Because at the end of the day, despite everything that may be going on- or have gone on, there are people that genuinely love and care for this person, including me. And ultimately, even if I am a forgotten part of the distant past.

Life works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Things happen sometimes that catch you off guard, that can sometimes get to you, but make you realise that we are all humans and ‘sucky’ things happen. But at the end of the day, it’s what you do with those situations and how you let them affect you. And in all honesty, I’m good. I’m happy. And I’m certainly not hurt by the events, just reflective. Everything is life experience at the end of the day, even this.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | Me & my life | Uncategorized

A conclusion

By on December 22, 2016

So here it goes.

I don’t know what I want to title this post, or if it will even be published for the whole world to see on the internet. But for now, this is going to be a post that comes from one of the deepest parts of emotion. A post which is probably a conclusion to everything I have been writing since July. Probably one of the most emotional, and personal blog posts yet.

I never like to keep anything secret on my blog. This is a little corner for me to express everything I want to, without me needing to sugarcoat anything. Everything is real, and is a reflection of who I am and my life.

The truth is that I once loved someone who meant a great deal to me. Someone who meant more to me than I ever anticipated, and as cliche as it sounds, was probably my first love. I have recently found out something about that relationship that somehow seemed to make sense. I was lied to. Stuff went on behind my back. It was that sort of relationship that I look back on where I can’t seem to distinguish what was real and what was totally fake anymore.

I think you can all understand what I am alluding to in this post, and although for so long I thought it did happen, it’s real now that I have had assurance of my thoughts.

Do I hate my ex who lied to me for three months? Probably not. The thing with me is that I seem to see the good in everyone, and that can be annoying- especially at times like this. Am I hurting? Probably not anymore. Did I cry? No.

You see, this isn’t a blog post full of hatred and sadness at all. In fact, it’s simply a conclusion to my story which I have been writing about for 6 months now. Sometimes one person can love another more than they receive back. Sometimes it’s moments like this that make you realise, “Wait. I am stronger than this.” I am.

You’d think cheating would break a person, and in some ways it can do.But the truth is, you were always good enough- and always will be. Just because another human doesn’t see that, doesn’t mean you should degrade yourself. Blessings happen, and this was one of them. Someone will come along who is worthy of my love. Soon.

I’m not going to “expose” my ex, or even tell him I hate him. I don’t, and I think that says it all. He’s living his life, and I’m living mine. I have never been so happy in my life, and I think this situation is living proof of just how much of a better place I am in.

So there we have it. All my current thoughts written in one rambling blog post that just so happens to have a more positive outcome than it may first seem. Some people are simply in your life for life experience, and valuable experience at that.

Stay positive and know your worth. You are not a reflection of other people’s actions against you, nor should you put yourself down for simply being yourself. Don’t regret loving someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place, but also don’t be afraid to love someone again. Someone, somewhere, admires every single little thing about you and would do anything to cherish that. Whether that exists now, or in ten years. You’ve got this- you’re strong, and independent, and I have all faith in you. In fact, I have all faith in myself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

note: this post was written purely for my own mental benefit. I don’t have any form of hatred towards any parties ever involved, and never could have. Live your life by staying humble and true to your own morals. x

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Feminism | Me & my life | Uncategorized

My own voice

By on December 3, 2016


This is a concept that I have been reflecting upon for a few days now. I often ponder over why I was put onto this Earth. I guess this is also because I’m a strong believer in the idea that everyone has a purpose, but what exactly is mine?

If you have followed my blog over the past few months, you may have noticed that I’m an avid thinker. I think about everything and anything possible. Even the deepest parts of life.

I’ve recently begun to realise that maybe my purpose is my voice. I am not one to let someone silence my own voice. I speak up about equality a lot. Whether that’s gender or race. I also have a strong passion for speaking out regarding mental health illnesses, with reference to my own personal experiences on the topic.

Maybe I have been blessed with my voice FOR a bigger purpose. Important issues are something that needs to be addressed, and something in which I am not scared to speak out on.

Even the smallest things like living your life to the fullest, or about non-judgement is something that is worth speaking out upon. Realistically, my voice isn’t powerful enough to change the world on it’s own. But my voice along with many others has the potential to make a difference, even if it’s a small one.

So this is my voice. Live your life, and God, I can’t emphasise that enough. You’re alive, so let yourself live. We often take life for granted sometimes, even I do. Cherish those around you. DO NOT stop speaking out on things you are passionate about. I genuinely hope that in my lifetime, mental health services would have improved, just like I hope that we can finally achieve, somewhat, of worldwide equality.

I am determined. Even if my voice is spoken through my blog. At least it’s something. Sometimes we have to use our own qualities to make a positive impact in the world around us.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Uncategorized

This is me.

By on October 29, 2016


So I have a confession, yes a confession. Who I am is something which I reflect upon a lot and is something I’ve alluded to in a lot of my previous blog posts. Honestly, I seem to beat myself up for who I am all the time, and it’s not fair on myself. Rather, I should just learn to embrace my quirkiness and not give myself such a hard time constantly.

I’m the sort of person that is naturally annoying. I really dislike that about myself, and get so incredibly paranoid over ‘being annoying’ and ‘unwanted.’ I think it’s because I constantly got told it all the time at one particular stage in my life, and it’s just stuck with me. Regardless of what anyone else says, I still believe I am the most annoying person on this planet…. but hey ho we all move on.

I’m the sort of person who would stay up until 2am to check you were okay. The sort of person who puts their own self on the line for the benefit of others. I guess that can be a bad thing for my own mental health, but regardless I like to put others first.

I’m the sort of person who thinks too much about the world, and life in general. That’s mainly why I created my blog. I’m an avid thinker. I spend my life thinking, reflecting learning. I write about my thoughts as a way to express everything that’s going on rapidly in my brain. I think about my friends, who I’ve loved, who I’ve lost. The past, the present, the future. People’s perceptions of me, my perception of myself, everything you can think of.

I’m the sort of person who hurts immensely at the idea of loss. As someone who thrives off surrounding herself with people, it suddenly hits me when someone leaves my life. I honestly don’t take it well, and I’ll probably continue to think about particular losses of my life in years to come. I suddenly think that loss is a reflection of who I am, and what everyone dislikes in me.

I’m the sort of person who would write about you. Yes, I have a notebook full of about fifty irrelevant poems which shapes whatever is floating round in my head at the time. Love, loss, heartbreak, and back to love again. My ‘journal’ and poems are a collection of me. A collection of everything I can’t express verbally so I write it in the form of poetry. There are so many poems I wish that I could send to whoever they’re about, or publish in general, but I probably never will. Nevertheless, it’s how I heal and it works.

I’m the sort of person who gets so wrapped up in things, and if I’m passionate about something; oh gosh, I’m passionate. For example, music. I could sit and talk for hours about how each chord and backing instrument adds to the feel of a musical piece and how excited I get over it. I also get excited over the smallest things. Whether that’s looking up at the sky, someone complimenting me, or even nature. It may sound so ‘stupid,’ but it’s true.

I’m the sort of person who would just laugh for no reason. I constantly burst out into laughter for no apparent reason, and it scares everyone around me to be honest. They just don’t understand why it happens, and neither do I. I laugh a lot, and happiness is a fundamental part of my life. I hurt, I laugh. I dance, I laugh. I’m sat with my friends, and I laugh. Just live, feel alive, and laughter is the best reflection of that.

And last but not least, I’m me. I figure that this post was partly written to free myself. To write all these qualities about myself that makes me human, and tell myself that it’s totally okay. As someone who used to hate themselves and everything about them so much, I’ve grown to realise that hey, I’m me and that’s all that matters. I have my own unique space in this world, I’ll reach my ambitions and I’ll just be whoever I’m destined to be. Honestly, I just want to be loved for who I am. As deep as it sounds, I think everyone does. I’m quite a hard person to figure out. I’m quite stubborn, I’m quite independent, but I’m also quite sensitive and positive. I don’t blog about ‘preachy things’ because I want to be some sort of inspirational speaker. I do it because sometimes I need to remind myself of my own worth when I feel as though I have none.

I just want to be accepted for me.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Uncategorized

Letting someone you love grow

By on October 15, 2016


This post was, and is, extremely spontaneous to write. After being in a deep thinking mood for the most parts of today, I suddenly came up with this blog post idea. The kind of ideas that I have been wanting to write about for a few months now, but didn’t quite know how.

There are always going to be people who drift in and out of your life, and one person in particular comes to mind when I reflect on this concept of letting people grow. This is someone who is still becoming their own person and still trying to work out what they want out of life.

I’m hesitant to restrain from not saying anything on this matter, because I have been wanting to write about this for a while now. Nevertheless, in the time I knew this person, I was more than happy to give them space to grow. Space to find themselves and who they were, and be there every step of the way. It wasn’t because I felt like I should’ve been obliged to be there; rather that I wanted to.

I cared, and still care, for this person immensely. It’s the kind of care in which you don’t know why it’s such a strong emotion, but it just is. There’s just something, and I still haven’t put my finger to it yet (even 9 months later). Me caring about them also means that I care about who they turn into, and how their growth may be going.

Honestly, I don’t know where this person is at in their life at the moment. I seem to have a clear idea because I seem to know this person better than they even know themselves. The fact of the matter is that it’s always been about them. It’s always been about me wanting to simply be there and try to keep them in track, but also give them room to grow.

I feel like I have been through a lot with this person, both emotionally and in my own growth. I don’t know if they will ever realise the extent in which I care about them, or the extent in which I want to watch them grow into the person that I know they have potential to be. None of this is for my sake, rather because when you love someone, suddenly everything becomes selfless; with this being one of them kinds of moments.

Who knows if this person will ever stumble across this post, but if for some reason they do; it’s good for them to be reminded that even through everything, they have someone who will always care about them unconditionally and selflessly. That this is the sort of person that I’ll think about now and then and hope and pray that they’re living the best life they can. That they live a life full of happiness, even if I’m not part of it. And I guess that’s what I mean by loving and caring about someone selflessly; I don’t have to be in their life to care. I don’t want anything from it- rather, I just want them to become who they’re meant to be and continue to grow into exactly that.

They seriously have the potential to, and after everything I will continue to defend this person. I ultimately see something in them in which a lot of people fail to see. That behind everything, there is someone genuine, loving and caring. Sometimes the most upsetting thing about it all is that they don’t see how glorious and amazing they are. And that’s just it, that’s the whole point of it. Because they are a wonderful human being and no matter what anyone says, they will find the confidence to become just that in their own growth. And what’s even more is that I’ll still be there in the background, even if I’m not going to be apart of their growth directly.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Motivation | Uncategorized

An exploding, happy heart

By on October 12, 2016


I figured I would write this blog post now while I’m in this liberating mindset rather than wait until tomorrow even though it’s 1am and my eyes are shutting as I’m typing this.

However, I feel as though happiness is something that deserves to be expressed and shared. In a world full of such negative energy, sometimes it’s good to have that contrast and to talk about something other than all the negative and upsetting things this world has to offer at the moment.

Nevertheless, I wanted to write this post from a place of genuine happiness. From a place of someone who is finally coming into their own, and a place of reflection above anything else. If you have followed my blog for the past 3 months, you may have become aware of the fact that I’m an avid thinker. I spend my life thinking, overthinking, and analysing everything and anything.

Whilst thinking about everything tonight, I immediately became overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of pure happiness, something which is always my goal to achieve. If I’m going to be completely honest, I never would have thought 3 weeks ago that I would be sat here writing a post about happiness. If any of you read my blog posts from then, a few of them where quite muffled and not my usual style of writing. I was in a pretty bad state, and I think my blog posts at the time where a reflection of that unfortunately. I was in a bad place emotionally, and probably the worst I’ve been, ever. It became a task for me to leave the house, and it felt like the whole world was slowly suffocating me.

It was honestly difficult for me to pick myself back up and decide to keep working towards being genuinely happy again. When you’re in that draining mindset, it tends to keep sucking you in more and more. My moods tend to switch over periods of time, and that’s something which scares me about my anxiety. I can be strong for months, and then crumble in the space of a day.

But here I am. I’m still here, and I’m a lot calmer. After reflecting on everything, I decided to keep moving forward and to try to get myself back on track again.

You know that kind of happiness where you sit there and just smile, but also want to cry at the same time? That’s how overwhelmed I’m feeling at the moment. If any of you follow me on Twitter or Instagramyou may have noticed that a lot of my pictures involve me smiling more; and I think that says it all. After trying to pretend to everyone around me these past couple of weeks that I’m totally fine, I have come back with genuine smiles and a genuine sense of me again.

It’s never too late to pick yourself up from a fall. It’s never too late to put yourself back on track and continue to get to where you want to go in life. I view these past couple of weeks as a ‘bump in the road’ sort of thing- something I managed to overcome, and something I’m sure I can, and will, overcome again next time.

Nothing seems to phase me at the moment. You could honestly say what you want about me, and I won’t sit there and worry about it for a good week and make myself ill. I think that just proves how much my mind has revamped itself in the past week, and I’m incredibly happy and relieved to be in a good, positive, healthy place again.

So here I am. My blog has, and always will be, a personal reflection of my life, my state of mind and everything in between. I plan to share everything here, because it’s my own personal space in the corner of the internet. Although this post was pretty personal, I feel so much better for getting it out there- even if 2 people read this post. Because the fact of the matter is that happiness deserves to be celebrated, and progress deserves to be recognised. This post won’t just act as a reminder for myself when I’m at a low point again, but also to anyone else who is in a similar frame of mind like how I was 2-3 weeks ago.

Treat this as a ‘bump in the road’ and never waver from the long term goal of happiness. Although it may not be achievable all the time, it certainly is achievable and not impossible.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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