Empowerment | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

A note to myself

April 29, 2018

Hi, hello. Once again, it’s been nearly two months since I last wrote my previous blog post; and personally, I feel like it’s two months too long. I have been meaning to get back into the swing of blogging for a while now, but I feel like before I do, there’s some things that need updating and need addressing.

So bare with me in this post. I want to make this as mentally healing for me, and it may be for you reading this. I want it to be pure, from the heart, and just genuine. No ‘beating around the bush,’ just purely reality.

For starters, I haven’t been in the best place recently and in the best head space. In all honesty, I have spent the best part of a month feeling marginalised and isolated- which is no one’s fault, but my own. Well, not exactly a ‘fault’ more like a ripple effect of my anxious behaviour recently. I have struggled with friendships, maintaining friendships and overall, getting to grips with the reality of everyone’s perceptions regarding myself. I have spent more time hating myself, rather than the opposite. And that needs to change.

I have touched on my blog previously about how I handle friendships, and people in my life in general. And one thing I’ve forgotten recently is how to embrace me. I need to stop being apologetic for who I am, and start embracing what I am. I’m human, with feelings, emotions, and someone who when it comes down to it, cares… a lot. That’s not a flaw, rather something that needs to be shown. Ultimately, my friends are my friends because of who I am. And that goes for everyone. You know yourself if you’re a part of a healthy relationship, or a toxic one. Take a healthy friendship for example; they’re some of the best human relationships around and should be kept.

I also recently had a friend who drifted back into my life, just at a time when I was at my lowest points. At a time where I felt like I had no one. I was empty, lost, and confused. But nevertheless, I went for it and it was one of the best things I’ve done this year. Because although there may be a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done, I am excited and optimistic about having someone else important in my life. And although I may make out like I don’t feel, the reality is that I cherish friendships. And this one is definitely staying cherished.

As for my career, I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how far I have come in the past year. I went from being in a crappy part-time job where I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough, to finding an okay job where I feel comfortable. I literally speak to strangers constantly day in and day out, and despite having crippling social anxiety only two years ago; I can sit here and say I did it. Of course there are days where I don’t feel like speaking to anyone, and from time to time I do still suffer from panic attacks in public. But I’ve pushed myself and reached limits I never believed would ever be achievable.

But that isn’t the best bit. I recently scored (yes, I just said scored!) an apprenticeship in a sector that I genuinely love and have done before I could remember. Meet a new ‘budding’ digital marketer. I finally became in control of my career and life… and just went for it. And, here I am. If you take anything away from this blog post, it would be to take risks as daunting and as terrifying as they may seem. I was reluctant to even apply, but despite being so down about not knowing what I want to do with my life over the past three years, I finally do and I couldn’t be anymore excited.

And as for relationships, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for knowing what I deserve and never settling for anything less than that. I’ve found that looking after myself is key, and toxic people can come in all shapes and forms. I’m proud of myself for not letting the fact that I was cheated on in the past control my future perceptions of someone else. I’m proud of myself for being confident enough to say- this is me, and if you don’t want that then jog on. I will not be apologetic for what I look like, how I act or what quirkiness I have because someone will appreciate that someday. I have spent too much of my life comparing myself to others and thinking “no one will ever love me,” because realistically, we all want to be loved for who we are.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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