General blog posts | Me & my life

I have something to explain…

March 4, 2018

So, it’s been a long time since I last posted on here; so naturally, there is a lot to update on. If you’re not familiar with my blog, or my writing, you may not know that my blog is a positive, safe environment for myself to write my thoughts. To express myself. And to talk about certain topics I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable in talking about.

Nevertheless, I have been gone for a while. Duh. However, I’ve felt like a part of me has been missing for a while. And it’s this blog. So, like any other good ol’ blog post, I’m going to use this space to rant, express, and just update you on what has been going on.

For starters, my mental health took a turn for the worst. I know a lot of people talk about it (yas, we NEED to educate!), and yes, I know it can get repetitive. But I don’t want to hide the facts. I’ve felt extremely alone, tired, marginalised and it’s made me physically ill. Certain situations have occurred that I won’t go in to, and it’s made me have to take a step back. Honestly, it’s been challenging. I’m physically scared about ending up back in the place I was 2 years ago. I’ve been scared to tell anyone about it so I can avoid judgement. It’s been tough, but here I am.

I also forgot to mention that I am in the process of writing my first book. At the start of this year, I made it my main goal to publish my book by the end of this year, and to have all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be heard by everyone else. Normally I keep my feelings quite private, but there’s something vulnerable and empowering about sharing my life and my head space with everyone else. From boys, to relationships, to mental health, to empowerment in general. I’m finally becoming proud of my writing, and my quirky personality trait of being able to deeply feel.

Talking of boys, I always like to do a mini section on my blog about what’s going on in that area of my life. If you have read my blog before, you will know that I went through a hard break up nearly 2 years ago, and this blog helped the healing process. I don’t think I ever told you how empowering it felt to totally be over someone, and a situation after so long. About 6 months ago, I realised that those who truly want you in their life will never put themselves in a position to loose you. And I’ve had that countess amount of times. Which leads me onto where I am now.

I am still single, and I have always liked it that way. Even though I like to make out that I’m emotionless, heartless, and don’t feel for anyone… the reality is, I am the total opposite to all of those factors. I do feel. A lot. And that’s why it makes it so hard when it comes to boys & relationships. Yes, I’m extremely cautious. Ultimately, I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want another relationship or encounter, to be tossed aside at the end of it and have mind games in between. I simply know what I deserve now, however. And I never like to settle for anything less than that. But at the same time, I need tor realise that there is nothing wrong with feeling emotion for someone else. Because naturally, I make out that none of it matters, when it really does… to me.

I am really good at hiding my feelings. Or at least I think I am. I could really like someone, and I could act like the total opposite. Now, me liking someone is rare as it is. In all honesty, I normally talk to someone for a matter of days, and if I don’t feel in my gut that it’s right, I call it off straight away. And that has been true of pretty much every boy encounter that I’ve had in the past year and a half. I suck when it comes to boys. I am picky, but I also don’t like to settle for second best. It’s not fair on them, or me. But ultimately, I could like you; and then friend zone you right back. It’s like it’s a natural instinct of mine to stop people getting so close to me. And I hurt myself in the process. I like to think I’m confident enough to make the first move, and a good 7 out of 10 times I do. But there’s always those extra 3 situations in which I can’t do it. I’m scared of judgement ultimately, and I think that’s also due to a lack of self confidence. I don’t see myself as anything unique, or special. Rather, as someone that no one would ever want to see in that way. I’m strong, but I’m also vulnerable. And that’s my vulnerable side.

When it comes to friendships, I have begun to realise that I’m better on my own at times. I have a group of amazing friends who I value as individuals, and I like to keep it small and close knit. Anyone else who takes advantage of me, or who isn’t a healthy part of my life anymore will have to stay outside that circle. And as much as that upsets me as I love having people I’m close to, I know it has to be done for my own mind, and for me as a person.

Once again, I know and understand this was a long and rambled post. But would I be me if I did anything less? I’m hoping to post more on here again as I grow mentally stronger, and conquer everything that’s going on at the moment. But in the meantime, I also have a YouTube channel that you can check out if ‘ya like.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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