Don’t ask me why I’m writing this at eleven o’clock at night, not even I’m entirely sure, but hey ho; here I am. In times of confusion when I can’t work out my feelings, or what is right or wrong for me, I normally take to writing to just splurge everything and hope for the best. And that’s kind of what this is.
I have never been good with ‘romantic’ relationships. Perusing them, sticking to them, that kind of thing. I’ve never been good with having feelings, and admitting to those feelings. I don’t know if that’s because I subconsciously see it as a sign of weakness, or if I am just so confused in everything that goes on in my brain that I simply don’t know. And that’s what this is. A state of confusion. And then realisation.
Something came over me today, and it’s something that I have been hiding from myself for a while. A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year and a half. I’ve lost contact with friends who I thought I would be friends with for life, I’ve dealt with a break-up (you’ve seen all the blog posts, if you know… you know), and I’ve become friends with people who I never imagined to be friends with a year ago. But just because you don’t see people as often, or just because certain people in your life aren’t around anymore; it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them.
I’m the sort of person who doesn’t live in a cloud of hatred, I just couldn’t. No matter how toxic you were to me, or no matter how upset you made me; I can’t ever hate anyone, because it’s simply not in my persona. It’s coming to the realisation that you can still love people, but it doesn’t mean that you need them in your life. No matter if that’s friends, family, or exes. Whatever. Are you still on track with how I’m thinking? Good.
Now onto my next point. Apologies. I don’t know if it’s because I live my life with the mindset of forgiveness and not holding onto grudges, but I feel so gullible when it comes to this. Or at least used to. I’ve had a long think with myself. Over how many apologies I’ve been issued, and over how many actually were genuine. If you apologise, and then continue to hurt, mock, not live up to your promises, then I’d rather you just never said anything at all. I’ve decided now that apologies are accepted, when they are lived up to. I can’t deal with anymore lies, and quite frankly; I won’t let my mind take it anymore. Either you apologise and grow, or you don’t apologise at all.
I’m sick of lying to myself regarding feelings. As much as I try to tell myself I don’t want one, I feel mentally ready for a relationship; yet I push anyone away who comes close. And maybe that’s my problem. I shouldn’t be so scared to open my heart up to people who are willing to do the same, and I certainly shouldn’t be scared of letting anyone to get to know me for once. I’ve always been me, and I always will be. It just takes one person to accept, love, and cherish that just like I’ve done to someone before.
Love and happiness always,