I don’t know how to start this post in all honesty, so I’m just going to go ahead and do what I do best. Ramble.
I have written a lot of relationship themed posts on here, but nothing like this one. It’s no secret that I spend my life, thinking… and then over-thinking; and tonight was one of those nights. I managed to come to some sort of conclusion as to why I don’t like getting into relationships, seeking relationships, or even speaking to anyone. I simply don’t feel good enough, and I’ll explain why.
Getting into a relationship with someone who has mental health issues is tough, i’ll be first to admit that. And I’m a handful. Despite the fact that I am generally a happy, bubbly and a cheerful person with the most dorky personality- sometimes I can get very sad. Sometimes I can tear into myself. And it’s not fair on anyone else.
I often look back on my days and think, “Did I do that right,” or, “What if I caused more harm than good?” I want to be a positive influence, and a source of change, somehow, but I feel like I’m doing the opposite.
I’ve been in a lot of toxic relationships, including friendships in general. Someone seeing the vulnerable side to me genuinely frightens me, but it’s there. It’s a part of me, yet it doesn’t define me as a person. No, I’m not sad all the time. No I’m not self-conscious all the time. But there’s time’s like this where I am, and I can be.
For years, I’ve struggled with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my own body. I occasionally see myself as a nothingness, I have no unique or ‘stand out’ features. I don’t fit in with the stereotypical idea of beauty, neither do I fit in with the quirky styles of beauty. I occasionally eat, and then regret eating. I look at my features and pin point certain bits that don’t match my own ‘image.’ I tear myself up piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. And I go back to being a ‘nothingness’ again.
Maybe I put myself down too much. But it’s better than anyone else seeing me like this. I am a generally positive person. I laugh. I joke. I occasionally come out with the most wacky things, because I have a weird sort of personality. Most of the time I embrace being me. I embrace my flaws, and my big thighs, puffy hair and completely dodgy eyes. I embrace my fun personality, and how much I lack common sense. But that’s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I need to remind myself that I’m not going to be perfect, never mind be just that for someone else.
Love and happiness always,