Me & my life | relationships

A chatty post / relationships and apologies

By on September 28, 2017

Don’t ask me why I’m writing this at eleven o’clock at night, not even I’m entirely sure, but hey ho; here I am. In times of confusion when I can’t work out my feelings, or what is right or wrong for me, I normally take to writing to just splurge everything and hope for the best. And that’s kind of what this is.

I have never been good with ‘romantic’ relationships. Perusing them, sticking to them, that kind of thing. I’ve never been good with having feelings, and admitting to those feelings. I don’t know if that’s because I subconsciously see it as a sign of weakness, or if I am just so confused in everything that goes on in my brain that I simply don’t know. And that’s what this is. A state of confusion. And then realisation.

Something came over me today, and it’s something that I have been hiding from myself for a while. A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year and a half. I’ve lost contact with friends who I thought I would be friends with for life, I’ve dealt with a break-up (you’ve seen all the blog posts, if you know… you know), and I’ve become friends with people who I never imagined to be friends with a year ago. But just because you don’t see people as often, or just because certain people in your life aren’t around anymore; it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them.

I’m the sort of person who doesn’t live in a cloud of hatred, I just couldn’t. No matter how toxic you were to me, or no matter how upset you made me; I can’t ever hate anyone, because it’s simply not in my persona. It’s coming to the realisation that you can still love people, but it doesn’t mean that you need them in your life. No matter if that’s friends, family, or exes. Whatever. Are you still on track with how I’m thinking? Good.

Now onto my next point. Apologies. I don’t know if it’s because I live my life with the mindset of forgiveness and not holding onto grudges, but I feel so gullible when it comes to this. Or at least used to. I’ve had a long think with myself. Over how many apologies I’ve been issued, and over how many actually were genuine. If you apologise, and then continue to hurt, mock, not live up to your promises, then I’d rather you just never said anything at all. I’ve decided now that apologies are accepted, when they are lived up to. I can’t deal with anymore lies, and quite frankly; I won’t let my mind take it anymore. Either you apologise and grow, or you don’t apologise at all.

I’m sick of lying to myself regarding feelings. As much as I try to tell myself I don’t want one, I feel mentally ready for a relationship; yet I push anyone away who comes close. And maybe that’s my problem. I shouldn’t be so scared to open my heart up to people who are willing to do the same, and I certainly shouldn’t be scared of letting anyone to get to know me for once. I’ve always been me, and I always will be. It just takes one person to accept, love, and cherish that just like I’ve done to someone before.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Relationships: An update

By on April 19, 2017


Okay, maybe I should’ve renamed the title ‘an update of my single life,’ but why not throw in a bit of imagination… right?

The fact is, yes I’m still single, and yes I’m still happy blogging about it. But I’ve recently been thinking about how I deal with being single, rather than how it feels.

I’m one of those’ singles who actually likes it. I like my alone time as it is, so being single is like second nature to me. No, that’s not sarcastic as much as it sounded. Rather, I find it rewarding. A way in which I can find out more about myself, before anyone else finds out those parts of me. A space for me to grow, before I have the opportunity to grow with someone else.

But how do I deal with being single? Honestly, not very well. I’m ‘that’ single (yes, I used that phrase again), that would rather act like they don’t care. Someone of the opposite sex showing any type of interest in me? I shut them off. Someone of the opposite sex tries to make effort with me? I shut them off even more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stubborn, afraid of feelings, would rather be ‘sassy’ like I don’t care; or a mix of all three.

I don’t know if I’ve developed feelings for anyone anymore because I am so used to getting let down. I hate letting my walls down for someone, so I simply don’t do it anymore. I make life hard work, for myself and for the other person, that in the end it just simply isn’t worth it. I’m too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and really don’t take feelings or anything seriously anymore. That may have something to do with past experiences (*cough, cough*), but hey, my life motto at the moment seems to go something like, “Who knows?”

When the right person comes along, and puts up with my stubborn behaviour, then great. Maybe it’s meant to be. Maybe I’m playing a game that isn’t fair, or maybe I’m simply playing myself out of potential relationships. Who knows? I guess I’ll update you if anything interesting happens; but until then, here’s to being stubborn and being single. Maybe I’ll change one day for someone who deserves it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Why I hate modern day dating

By on March 25, 2017


It’s been a while since I have done a ‘relationships’ themed blog post, but something has been stuck on my mind on repeat for a few weeks now which has to have it’s own escape.

It’s no secret that I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so stubborn that I would rather ‘keep myself to myself’ rather than let a boy even talk to me, or because I simply don’t believe anyone could be genuinely interested in me.

But you know, on them odd occasions where I do let someone in, the whole dating / texting thing annoys the shit out of me. All the games. How nothing is as simple as, “Hey, want to go for coffee sometime?” I like straight to the point. I like people who show interest because I always think the opposite.

Sure, the chase is fun. I like being able to chase someone, and have someone chase me. Dating is a game at the end of the day, but do I really want to play it? The fact that it is almost ‘forbidden’ to text someone back straight away because you’re seen as ‘too keen.’ Nah, I just happened to have my phone on me at the time. Just like if I don’t text you back after 3 hours, I was probably busy living my life.

Everything is so casual. It takes a lot for me to admit I like someone in that way (mainly because I’m too independent and stubborn for my own good), but when I do- it’s just another game. God forbid you text someone for weeks on end and you’re not allowed to have feelings. God forbid that you spend your time on texting someone, when at the end of it all, you’re the ‘crazy’ one for catching feelings- because it’s just harmless fun, right? It feels like dating is a mockery and it utterly angers me how people are shamed so much.

Look at break-ups for example. I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ that even though I got cheated on and hurt, I can’t actually show any emotion. I mean why do people hurt after break-ups anyway- just move on. Lol. That was clearly sarcastic, but you get my point. Let yourself fucking hurt, and then let yourself heal into a better person. And I am not ashamed that I have done just that. So fuck you to anyone who watched me hurt and rolled their eyes. Who cares? We’re all just emotionless robots, aren’t we? *rolls eyes.*

Well, it inspired this blog so there’s that.

And I guess that’s why I hate dating / talking / texting / anything relationship orientated. I . just . can’t . do . it . The pathetic games, the laughs when you get hurt. It all doesn’t seem worth it to loose myself in the process. Maybe I’m too stubborn. Maybe I’ll die single. But I’d rather be single then be caught up in constant games.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A reflection on relationships

By on November 16, 2016


I am currently sat in a coffee shop huddled in the corner looking at 4 walls.

I feel so comfortable in whatever blurts out from my head so I guess this is going to be a post about something which has been whirling round in my life since June. Something which I have alluded to in a lot of my blog posts, but in which I have never openly come out and talked about in detail.

In some ways, this is my break-up letter. Even though, who writes letters anymore anyway? This is more of a letter of happiness, rather than sadness. I’m done with the whole ‘crying until I fall asleep’ and ‘sleeping in the day just to pass time’ type of emotion which my break-up brought me.

In fact, this is a thank you. A thank you to my break-up. Without it, I don’t think I would be in such a good place right now. I feel like I always get reminded that it’s the hard times that make us human, or that the hard times shape us into who we are today… and this couldn’t be more true today. Sure, there are worse things in life that go on other than break-ups; but they still hurt and they still suck.

I feel like songs constantly talk about break-ups with either emotions of sadness and despair, or the message that says “HEY I HATE MY EX AND THAT’S THAT.” I don’t think I have ever heard a song for a long time that looks back on a break-up with gratitude. I don’t know, does that still make me human? The fact that I’m grateful for someone I once loved leaving me?

Break-ups can bring so many negatives. In many ways, you ask yourself if you really are worthy to let someone into your life and feel loved by another soul again. It’s that stage where you feel utter despair and hopelessness- and I hope to never experience a break-up again in all honesty.

Do I regret my ex relationship? No. I think if I did, I wouldn’t have had the ability to grow or learn. I mean, that’s what relationships are; a sort of journey and hopefully at some point, that journey ends and you’ll settle with someone for the rest of your life. I often look at my parents and admire their relationship. After 19 years of being together, they are still in love and they hardly argue. I hope one day that can be me, but for now I’m just living for the present.

I have never been the sort of person to ‘seek’ a relationship. The idea of me being single totally appeals to me, and I am so happy being independent and single; or independent and in a relationship. But I look back on 2016 and wow, what a learning process it has been. I sure as hell cried a lot, but now those tears have turned into tears of joy and genuine happiness. Into someone who managed to find herself again.

This isn’t a letter of hate, that emotion doesn’t even come into my head anymore when i think of my past relationship. I would rather use this as an opportunity to reflect and be thankful. My break-up made me stronger. It allowed me to grow as an individual and do things I never imagined I would. For instance, my blog was straight up created as a way for me to heal through my break-up. And now, I can proudly say that I have healed. I have healed in more ways than I ever thought I would.

Let like work itself out how it does. Maybe my break-up was a way of the world showing me that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how many times I get told by the people around me that I am one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, I never used to believe it. Now however, I believe that I am strong enough to conquer anything. Not just break-ups, but my high functioning anxiety that comes with it.

To my ex, thank you. I genuinely hope you’re as happy as I am right now. This isn’t a dig. Or hatred. This is a simple thank you. I hope one day everything I told you about yourself will soon make sense. Find your own potential and just feel alive.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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