Empowerment | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

A note to myself

By on April 29, 2018

Hi, hello. Once again, it’s been nearly two months since I last wrote my previous blog post; and personally, I feel like it’s two months too long. I have been meaning to get back into the swing of blogging for a while now, but I feel like before I do, there’s some things that need updating and need addressing.

So bare with me in this post. I want to make this as mentally healing for me, and it may be for you reading this. I want it to be pure, from the heart, and just genuine. No ‘beating around the bush,’ just purely reality.

For starters, I haven’t been in the best place recently and in the best head space. In all honesty, I have spent the best part of a month feeling marginalised and isolated- which is no one’s fault, but my own. Well, not exactly a ‘fault’ more like a ripple effect of my anxious behaviour recently. I have struggled with friendships, maintaining friendships and overall, getting to grips with the reality of everyone’s perceptions regarding myself. I have spent more time hating myself, rather than the opposite. And that needs to change.

I have touched on my blog previously about how I handle friendships, and people in my life in general. And one thing I’ve forgotten recently is how to embrace me. I need to stop being apologetic for who I am, and start embracing what I am. I’m human, with feelings, emotions, and someone who when it comes down to it, cares… a lot. That’s not a flaw, rather something that needs to be shown. Ultimately, my friends are my friends because of who I am. And that goes for everyone. You know yourself if you’re a part of a healthy relationship, or a toxic one. Take a healthy friendship for example; they’re some of the best human relationships around and should be kept.

I also recently had a friend who drifted back into my life, just at a time when I was at my lowest points. At a time where I felt like I had no one. I was empty, lost, and confused. But nevertheless, I went for it and it was one of the best things I’ve done this year. Because although there may be a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done, I am excited and optimistic about having someone else important in my life. And although I may make out like I don’t feel, the reality is that I cherish friendships. And this one is definitely staying cherished.

As for my career, I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how far I have come in the past year. I went from being in a crappy part-time job where I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough, to finding an okay job where I feel comfortable. I literally speak to strangers constantly day in and day out, and despite having crippling social anxiety only two years ago; I can sit here and say I did it. Of course there are days where I don’t feel like speaking to anyone, and from time to time I do still suffer from panic attacks in public. But I’ve pushed myself and reached limits I never believed would ever be achievable.

But that isn’t the best bit. I recently scored (yes, I just said scored!) an apprenticeship in a sector that I genuinely love and have done before I could remember. Meet a new ‘budding’ digital marketer. I finally became in control of my career and life… and just went for it. And, here I am. If you take anything away from this blog post, it would be to take risks as daunting and as terrifying as they may seem. I was reluctant to even apply, but despite being so down about not knowing what I want to do with my life over the past three years, I finally do and I couldn’t be anymore excited.

And as for relationships, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for knowing what I deserve and never settling for anything less than that. I’ve found that looking after myself is key, and toxic people can come in all shapes and forms. I’m proud of myself for not letting the fact that I was cheated on in the past control my future perceptions of someone else. I’m proud of myself for being confident enough to say- this is me, and if you don’t want that then jog on. I will not be apologetic for what I look like, how I act or what quirkiness I have because someone will appreciate that someday. I have spent too much of my life comparing myself to others and thinking “no one will ever love me,” because realistically, we all want to be loved for who we are.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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General blog posts | Me & my life

I have something to explain…

By on March 4, 2018

So, it’s been a long time since I last posted on here; so naturally, there is a lot to update on. If you’re not familiar with my blog, or my writing, you may not know that my blog is a positive, safe environment for myself to write my thoughts. To express myself. And to talk about certain topics I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable in talking about.

Nevertheless, I have been gone for a while. Duh. However, I’ve felt like a part of me has been missing for a while. And it’s this blog. So, like any other good ol’ blog post, I’m going to use this space to rant, express, and just update you on what has been going on.

For starters, my mental health took a turn for the worst. I know a lot of people talk about it (yas, we NEED to educate!), and yes, I know it can get repetitive. But I don’t want to hide the facts. I’ve felt extremely alone, tired, marginalised and it’s made me physically ill. Certain situations have occurred that I won’t go in to, and it’s made me have to take a step back. Honestly, it’s been challenging. I’m physically scared about ending up back in the place I was 2 years ago. I’ve been scared to tell anyone about it so I can avoid judgement. It’s been tough, but here I am.

I also forgot to mention that I am in the process of writing my first book. At the start of this year, I made it my main goal to publish my book by the end of this year, and to have all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be heard by everyone else. Normally I keep my feelings quite private, but there’s something vulnerable and empowering about sharing my life and my head space with everyone else. From boys, to relationships, to mental health, to empowerment in general. I’m finally becoming proud of my writing, and my quirky personality trait of being able to deeply feel.

Talking of boys, I always like to do a mini section on my blog about what’s going on in that area of my life. If you have read my blog before, you will know that I went through a hard break up nearly 2 years ago, and this blog helped the healing process. I don’t think I ever told you how empowering it felt to totally be over someone, and a situation after so long. About 6 months ago, I realised that those who truly want you in their life will never put themselves in a position to loose you. And I’ve had that countess amount of times. Which leads me onto where I am now.

I am still single, and I have always liked it that way. Even though I like to make out that I’m emotionless, heartless, and don’t feel for anyone… the reality is, I am the total opposite to all of those factors. I do feel. A lot. And that’s why it makes it so hard when it comes to boys & relationships. Yes, I’m extremely cautious. Ultimately, I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want another relationship or encounter, to be tossed aside at the end of it and have mind games in between. I simply know what I deserve now, however. And I never like to settle for anything less than that. But at the same time, I need tor realise that there is nothing wrong with feeling emotion for someone else. Because naturally, I make out that none of it matters, when it really does… to me.

I am really good at hiding my feelings. Or at least I think I am. I could really like someone, and I could act like the total opposite. Now, me liking someone is rare as it is. In all honesty, I normally talk to someone for a matter of days, and if I don’t feel in my gut that it’s right, I call it off straight away. And that has been true of pretty much every boy encounter that I’ve had in the past year and a half. I suck when it comes to boys. I am picky, but I also don’t like to settle for second best. It’s not fair on them, or me. But ultimately, I could like you; and then friend zone you right back. It’s like it’s a natural instinct of mine to stop people getting so close to me. And I hurt myself in the process. I like to think I’m confident enough to make the first move, and a good 7 out of 10 times I do. But there’s always those extra 3 situations in which I can’t do it. I’m scared of judgement ultimately, and I think that’s also due to a lack of self confidence. I don’t see myself as anything unique, or special. Rather, as someone that no one would ever want to see in that way. I’m strong, but I’m also vulnerable. And that’s my vulnerable side.

When it comes to friendships, I have begun to realise that I’m better on my own at times. I have a group of amazing friends who I value as individuals, and I like to keep it small and close knit. Anyone else who takes advantage of me, or who isn’t a healthy part of my life anymore will have to stay outside that circle. And as much as that upsets me as I love having people I’m close to, I know it has to be done for my own mind, and for me as a person.

Once again, I know and understand this was a long and rambled post. But would I be me if I did anything less? I’m hoping to post more on here again as I grow mentally stronger, and conquer everything that’s going on at the moment. But in the meantime, I also have a YouTube channel that you can check out if ‘ya like.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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body positivity | Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | Uncategorized

Progress: An update

By on March 11, 2017


I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

An update on everything 'life'

By on February 15, 2017

I pondered over whether or not I wanted to write all this and publish it on here, but I also came to the conclusion that my blog was created as my own little space to write whatever I wanted, so here I am.

To be honest, I thought I would miss a blog post upload this week- or even a few. I have been so stressed out lately, so wrapped up in emotions, that I have completely deteriorated myself again. I decided to take a step back from everything and everyone for a while (as much as I hate doing this), so me writing this blog post right now is pretty much a miracle.

If you have been reading my blog since September (ish), you’ll be aware that I was referred for ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ for my anxiety. At the time of my referral, it felt like I was screaming out for some sort of help and support. Some things are hard to cope with on your own, and at the time, I was finding it extra difficult. Anyway, 5 months on (yes, the waiting list was meant to be 9 weeks BUT), I finally have my appointment and I begin therapy next week.

I have recently seen myself become fragmented when it comes to those around me. I don’t feel like I’m ‘me’ at the moment, and I have certainly lost all energy to go out and socialise with friends. It feels like I’m in that bubble again, but I am pushing myself slowly but surely. I am going to the gym tomorrow, and I am trying to get out of the house as much as possible.

As I feel myself going backwards again, I feel like the phone call about my therapy appointment came at the perfect time. It feels like I’m ‘sticking it out’ until next Wednesday and I’m trying so incredibly hard to stay calm, positive and healthy.

Because of this, I have taken myself away from most social media sites for a while, at least. A little ‘me’ time. A time for me to regroup and find myself again if you like. I am an avid believer that as amazing as social media is, and as supportive as it can be, sometimes it can be unhealthy for the mind and taking a step back from it sometimes isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Ironic seen as I’m looking at studying digital marketing at university next year but that’s another topic for another day).

But, these past few weeks have also had a ton of positives. I got a new job !!!! I am trying out new things, and broadening my horizons as they say, and I feel like this job is the perfect opportunity for that. I am extremely overwhelmed at myself for having the confidence to go to an interview, smash it, and come out with a contracted job with an okay pay. Onwards and upwards.

I feel like my life is changing again, and I have noticed that I get to my worst points when this happens. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t take well to change, or to life going in a different direction than planned; but I think taking time out to myself, starting my new job, and starting therapy again will work out for the positive in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

A mental health chat

By on November 30, 2016


I don’t think the main issue is me being ‘cured’ as such. When I open up about my anxiety, I openly know and accept that it will always linger and won’t ever go away.

It can get extremely scary sometimes. Being constrained to your own thoughts of utter hopelessness and feeling like the whole world is closing in on you. To be honest, I thought that those feelings were normal a year ago. I thought that it was something everyone went through on a daily basis, and that crying at 1am in the morning over people in my life ‘hating’ me was normal.

I was definitely never as open with my mental illness as I am now. I still struggle to explain to my parents regarding what is going on in my head because I feel like I’m going mad. I mean, how come I think all my friends hate me? How come I believe I’m a burden and no one wants to be around me anymore? It may sound completely irrational, but it’s real to me.

I denied the fact that I had anxiety. I refused to see anyone and get help because I believed that I was just wasting people’s time if i did seek help because obviously, others deserve it more than me. I turned into a train wreck. I turned into someone who I din’t recognise anymore, and that is one of the scariest things I’ve had to endure yet.

It’s not just ‘feeling anxious in public.’ As much as I have those days where I don’t want to leave my house because I feel physically sick at the thought of being in public, it’s a lot more than that. The thing with generalised anxiety disorder is that it’s like everything you imagine anxiety to be, and a whole lot more. I wish people understood that it was a lot more than just feeling ‘on edge’ now and then. Everyone gets anxious. It’s human nature. Anxiety however is more feeling anxious and a whole lot else on top of that.

There are still times where I sit up at 1am in the morning and have to go to the toilet because I feel like I’m going to throw up. The thought of going on a ‘night out’ excites me (don’t get me wrong), but I get extremely anxious before the event. i hate how busy it can get and how trapped I feel. I worry about getting drunk before alcohol has even entered my system. I go over scenarios in my head over how to get out of a ‘night out’ and just run away.

But I don’t run anymore.

I make sure to put myself in the right mindset, and conquer. Defying all odds, I still end up going out. A simple task to many takes me hours of mental preparation to tell myself, “right, go out for your friends and have a good time.” My anxiety may be my mental illness, but it won’t be my downfall.

It can’t be cured. I can imagine myself even now starting my new apprenticeship and getting worried and stressed over having to interact with new people and to try to not mess anything up. It’ll always be an annoying linger, but it’s going to have to be an annoying linger that I come to terms with how to control. And my down and off days? I will face them head on. Because it’s okay to have those days, and it’s okay to have days where you don’t want to leave the house. It’s okay because in some ways, them days can make you even more determined for when you conquer those fears.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Anxiety: Can you see it from the outside?

By on November 12, 2016


When I normally open up about my anxiety and how I suffer from it, a lot of people immediately tell me that “You would never guess I had anxiety,” which I guess is a good thing. I don’t want to show that if I’m feeling anxious all the time, and I don’t want it to be something that people define me by.

Sometimes what you see on the outside, isn’t always what is going on in the inside; and I think that’s the same for most mental illnesses. I am relatively quite a happy and positive person. I am quite outgoing and confident because that’s just how my personally is.

But I could seem completely confident, and inside feel like I’m having a panic attack. In fact, I watched a really insightful video about this concept of anxiety the other day which I will link here.

It basically describes that ‘high functioning anxiety’ demonstrates a contrast between what’s going on inside, and what you see on the outside. For example, while it may seem like I am completely calm and as though my anxiety isn’t getting to me at all, I could still be having erratic thoughts of, “You’re not good enough,” “Everyone hates you,” “You should stop talking and shut up” “You’re such a burden.”

When it comes to my anxiety, I try to block out the thoughts and pretend they’re not there, but sometimes that can do more harm than good. Simply pretending they don’t exist is like walking away from a ticking time bomb and knowing that it’s going to explode sooner or later. These thoughts will eventually catch up to me, and the longer that I try to pretend they don’t exist, the worse they normally get in the long run.

That’s why it may seem like I’m all ‘happy and positive’ all the time, when in reality I’m not. Just because I may seem happy, doesn’t mean I’m not feeling anxious. It doesn’t mean that I’m not overthinking the worst, or not on the edge of having a panic attack. The thing about mental illnesses is that it’s in the brain and obviously, what’s going on in there may not always be a reflection of what you see on the outside.

The fact is, you never know what anyone is truly going through. Don’t automatically assume a person is okay just because of how they may seem on the outside. Sometimes I try to hide my anxious moments, but at the same time I want to scream out for help. It’s exhausting, and it’s like it’s a whole act that I need to put on in order to convince myself that it’s not there… when it obviously is.

Sometimes, you’re not able to see what is going on inside my head from my body language on the outside. That’s the scary thing. High functioning anxiety for me sounds like, “You’re not good enough, but you need to act happy and good enough so people don’t hate you AND THEN think you’re not good enough even more.”

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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body positivity | Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

A small life update

By on November 9, 2016


I feel a bit “put off” from writing about how I feel at the moment, however it seems like nowadays, “happiness” is genuinely the only emotion that I can describe myself as.
3 months ago, my blog was centred around heart break and pain. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, because it straight up was. It was a time in my life in which I felt things “coming together,” but it wasn’t totally there. I’d hurt more than I’d ever hurt before, and I don’t know why situations hit me so hard at that time. It was the kind of time where things where looking up for me, and then something else would happen that would break me even more. I was always going backwards, and because of that I became extremely lost. I used to sleep to simply pass time so I could make it through the day without breaking down. I used to have to plan my whole week to keep myself busy because I didn’t know how I’d cope otherwise. Situations made me extremely anxious and even when I look back to September, I don’t think I’ve ever been so ill or felt so low with my anxiety to the point where it physically scared me.
I kinda “chose” a positive attitude and to change my mindset. Obviously it’s not as easy as that, but I was so incredibly determined to see past this point in my life. I’d just gotten my semi colon tattoo at this point, and I honestly believe it came at exactly the right time. It was such an important, and helpful reminder to simply keep going.
I am now sat on my kitchen floor, pouring all these words out onto the notes on my phone. The dryer won’t stop beeping so I should probably sort that out. But I have the energy to. I have the energy to get up right now and just dance. I have the energy to go out in public with my friend today, vlog in public for my YouTube and just laugh. I have the COURAGE to be happy and to keep moving forward and it honestly makes me so emotional when I reflect on my progress.
As well as finding confidence in the body I breathe in, I have also found confidence in my own happiness. I’m entitled and allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to express progress and think, “you know what? I can’t believe I made it through these past months, but I did it.” I see happiness as more of a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you make yourself a priority, it’s definitely worth it in the end.
I now couldn’t care about external perceptions of me. I can go out in public and not be scared anymore, even though I still have the odd panic attack. The only words I can think of when I describe these past 4 ish months is a whirlwind. An adventure. A journey of happiness and empowerment.
If you’re not in the best place right now, remember that it’s okay. If we never had low times, how would we know what the good ones look like?
Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

I will prove myself

By on November 5, 2016


Wow Becca, that blog post title seemed extremely motivational.

Proving myself to others is something I seem to strive for a lot. I strive for the challenge of telling someone I can and I will do something and succeeding at that.

A few months back, I told someone that I was close to at the time that I would prove myself to them and if anything else, for the benefit of myself. I wasn’t in the best place mentally or emotionally (in fact, that’s probably a huge understatement), but I was still willing to make the changes to my life that I needed to ensure that I could get through this for them, and myself.

One of the personal goals that I set myself was to go to the doctors about my anxiety and seek help and support. Although I have alluded to this in some of my most recent blog posts, I did it. I sat there in the doctors on the verge of having a panic attack over having to talk to some stranger about what was going on in that lil head of mine. I then had a phone call with the mental health clinic and managed to get through a whole assessment of uncomfortable and rather upsetting questions regarding what was happening to me emotionally. The fact is though, I had my end goal in sight and I did it. Stage one of proving myself complete.

I also set a challenge to prove myself to myself. Feeling confident and liberated is such a hard feeling to succeed at. It takes a lot of time and patience with yourself, and it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. Over the past few months though, I have begun to accept myself, how I look, and who I am a lot more. I used to be extremely insecure even 4 months ago with my body shape, and how I look that it was sometimes challenging. I feel like I’ve hit such a huge milestone now though, and I’m always going to keep building on my confidence to make sure that it stays there as long as possible. Stage two of proving myself complete.

I also developed a bad habit of putting things off and not seeking the things that I wanted to do and just leaving it. I am now in the mindset of, “life is too short. Just go for it.” As preachy as an overused as that may sound, it’s true. Life really is too short. I personally would rather live it having done and achieved things that I’m proud of, rather than getting to the end of my life and wishing I had taken the chances given to me. Stage 3 of proving myself complete.

And most importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be genuinely happy for a time period longer than a week, and I’ve done just that. I can’t sit there and say that I haven’t had a bad anxiety day, or say that I haven’t had days where I couldn’t physically get out of bed since I made this ‘pledge’ to myself; but I can say that I have been the happiest I’ve ever been and in that, I have found and developed myself. Onwards and upwards. I have and will prove myself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Motivation | Uncategorized

An exploding, happy heart

By on October 12, 2016


I figured I would write this blog post now while I’m in this liberating mindset rather than wait until tomorrow even though it’s 1am and my eyes are shutting as I’m typing this.

However, I feel as though happiness is something that deserves to be expressed and shared. In a world full of such negative energy, sometimes it’s good to have that contrast and to talk about something other than all the negative and upsetting things this world has to offer at the moment.

Nevertheless, I wanted to write this post from a place of genuine happiness. From a place of someone who is finally coming into their own, and a place of reflection above anything else. If you have followed my blog for the past 3 months, you may have become aware of the fact that I’m an avid thinker. I spend my life thinking, overthinking, and analysing everything and anything.

Whilst thinking about everything tonight, I immediately became overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of pure happiness, something which is always my goal to achieve. If I’m going to be completely honest, I never would have thought 3 weeks ago that I would be sat here writing a post about happiness. If any of you read my blog posts from then, a few of them where quite muffled and not my usual style of writing. I was in a pretty bad state, and I think my blog posts at the time where a reflection of that unfortunately. I was in a bad place emotionally, and probably the worst I’ve been, ever. It became a task for me to leave the house, and it felt like the whole world was slowly suffocating me.

It was honestly difficult for me to pick myself back up and decide to keep working towards being genuinely happy again. When you’re in that draining mindset, it tends to keep sucking you in more and more. My moods tend to switch over periods of time, and that’s something which scares me about my anxiety. I can be strong for months, and then crumble in the space of a day.

But here I am. I’m still here, and I’m a lot calmer. After reflecting on everything, I decided to keep moving forward and to try to get myself back on track again.

You know that kind of happiness where you sit there and just smile, but also want to cry at the same time? That’s how overwhelmed I’m feeling at the moment. If any of you follow me on Twitter or Instagramyou may have noticed that a lot of my pictures involve me smiling more; and I think that says it all. After trying to pretend to everyone around me these past couple of weeks that I’m totally fine, I have come back with genuine smiles and a genuine sense of me again.

It’s never too late to pick yourself up from a fall. It’s never too late to put yourself back on track and continue to get to where you want to go in life. I view these past couple of weeks as a ‘bump in the road’ sort of thing- something I managed to overcome, and something I’m sure I can, and will, overcome again next time.

Nothing seems to phase me at the moment. You could honestly say what you want about me, and I won’t sit there and worry about it for a good week and make myself ill. I think that just proves how much my mind has revamped itself in the past week, and I’m incredibly happy and relieved to be in a good, positive, healthy place again.

So here I am. My blog has, and always will be, a personal reflection of my life, my state of mind and everything in between. I plan to share everything here, because it’s my own personal space in the corner of the internet. Although this post was pretty personal, I feel so much better for getting it out there- even if 2 people read this post. Because the fact of the matter is that happiness deserves to be celebrated, and progress deserves to be recognised. This post won’t just act as a reminder for myself when I’m at a low point again, but also to anyone else who is in a similar frame of mind like how I was 2-3 weeks ago.

Treat this as a ‘bump in the road’ and never waver from the long term goal of happiness. Although it may not be achievable all the time, it certainly is achievable and not impossible.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

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Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

Why my anxiety will never win

By on October 1, 2016


It’s not a secret that I have anxiety. Hi, yes I panic over people hating me, my friends not wanting to be my friends, and being a burdern to everyone in my life. Sounds dark when I put it like that, but it isn’t. I’m happy and positive 95% of the time. 

As completely irrational as it may sound to someone who has never had mental health issues before, it’s like constantly living with a ‘linger.’ It’s going to sleep happy you’ve had a ‘good day’ with low anxiety levels, and then waking up the next day and for some reason having a ‘bad day.’

When I talk about my anxiety, I am normally open about the thoughts and feelings that ferociously overflow my mind. As dark and depressing as it may sound, I live my life in the fear of people hating me. I could say something, and beat myself up over it for a good 3 days afterwards. I could worry about being alone and having no one whilst I have an amazing support group of people that surround me.

I recently had an encounter which made me extremely anxious. One thing I hate is being stared at and ridiculed, which happened to me recently and left my anxiety sky high. Although many people may have either brushed this off, or approached the person responsible and started an argument; this event left me house bound for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of the house on the following Tuesday. I was so displaced in who I was that I began to believe that I deserved to be mocked and humiliated- when I clearly don’t. The reason why I was put in that uncomfortable position is still a mystery to me, but it was the effects after what happened which triggered my anxiety to the worst point it’s been (probably ever).

When it comes to my anxious thoughts, I take comfort in a ‘safe place’ where I can talk to someone and let my thoughts and feelings out in complete confidence. Although my ‘safe place’ is no longer around, I have created my own ‘safe place’ in myself with a general plan of what to do when my anxiety reaches frightening points and I simply feel hopeless.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post on my new semi colon tattoo. In all honesty, my tattoo has helped act as a personal reminder that my story is not ready to end. Shoutout to my anxiety- you will not win. Although I reach points of such hopelessness, separation and displacement; my high anxious times normally pass. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and sometimes being reminded of that helps me realise that my anxiety and my anxious thoughts don’t deserve to impact so much on my health and it’s all about control.

As completely absurd as this may seem to someone who struggles with anxiety like me, I now also put myself in purposeful anxious positions to show myself that I can do it. When I am in the right frame of mind, I become determined enough to order my own food, go out on my own, go to events by myself or even silly things like walking down a busy street and turning round to go in a different direction. When this blog post goes up, I’ll be at the Bloggers Blog Award event on my own. I would never have done that 3 months ago.

My anxiety does not difine me. It’s as simple as that. Ironically, I am a pretty happy and positive person. Just because my brain is wired differently compared to other people doesn’t suddenly mean that I am dark and depressed all the time. Because the reality is, I’m not. I am finally at a point where I’m understanding my mental health. Where I am ready to say “HI ANXIETY YOU WILL NOT WIN,” but also accept that it’s okay if I have a ‘bad day’ because it’s going to happen. Where I have finally plucked up the courage to admit that I need help in order to help keep my anxiety under control (yes, after months of waiting and years of putting it off after fear, I have finally been referred to a mental health clinic). Small, but positive steps… right?

My anxiety will always be there in some shape or form. The sad thing about mental health illnesses, is that they don’t just disappear. It will always linger, and it will always be a constant battle. Just because I seem happy one day doesn’t automatically mean that the thoughts of hopelessness and the fear of people completely hating me just don’t go away like magic. But who I fundamentally am and my personality will always be bigger and a more dominant part of me than my anxiety. Because I’ve accepted that I can suffer from anxiety, and love making friends. I can suffer from anxiety, and still be independent. My mental health will not replace the fundamental qualities of who I am.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

————————-

Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

————————-

Connect:

Twitter: @beccaxjayne

Instagram: itsbeccajayne

Snapchat: itssbeccajayne

Bloglovin’: Click here to never miss a blog post from me!

Facebook: Itsbeccajayne

Feel free to drop me a tweet etc xo

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