Me & my life | relationships

Foreign concepts

By on May 17, 2017

I have recently become so wrapped up in my emotions at the moment to the point where I find it hard to get myself out of them. The kind of overthinking that leads you to believe that maybe you’re not good enough, or you’re not ‘pretty’ enough, or that the whole concept of someone loving you must be completely bizarre and foreign.

Being wrapped up in your emotions can also lead to confusion. I hate it when people’s perception of me or past experiences influence on the way I see myself. I don’t like being alienated by another person who clearly isn’t worthy of being or belonging in my life. But sometimes I fall into that trap. I look at myself and fail to recognise who I am. I want to be strong, and deep down I am strong; but occasionally I loose faith in that part of myself.

I have mentioned this time and time again on here, but I cannot express enough how much I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t talk to many people with the fear of getting hurt. Upon reflecting on a recent encounter, I suddenly realised how terrified I am of letting myself give my all to someone. Someone can take every part of you, and in an instant destroy you. You can finally let your walls down, for them to make you realise why you keep them up in the first place and that petrifies me to the core.

I don’t normally admit when I like someone, nor do I like giving in to my emotions. I am naturally stubborn, and I naturally have that ‘if you don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to you’ attitude. But occasionally, just occasionally, someone can come along which makes everything seem worthwhile. For you to think, ‘maybe they are worth a shot.’ Until you realise why you don’t take shots in the first place- and you go back to square one again. Trying to find happiness, independence and comfort in your own single circle.

I guess the whole point of this post is to confess to myself that I am really feeling what I’m feeling. I’ve been in denial for a long time that my past experiences haven’t played a part on my current emotions, when in reality they have and it’s scary. Maybe not being loved is my own foreign concept- as much as I like to deny the fact that’s not what I want in life… but when it comes down to it, we all long to be loved. It petrifies me that someone may not see me for who I am and like that. I’m dorky. I say weird shit sometimes. I’m loud. I have the worst laugh on earth. My eyes squint a lot and my stomach has a weird ass stitch going up it. Accepting my flaws has become one way in which I have learnt to accept myself… but sometimes, just sometimes, someone else accepting those small and quirky qualities is a bonus too.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | relationships | Uncategorized

Caring without caring…

By on February 11, 2017


You know that feeling when you reflect so deeply on people who have left your life? When you think, “did that really happen for a reason?” or, “was that really best for me?” I seem to be doing that a lot tonight, and I feel like I need to express my utter gratitude from what I’ve found.
Sometimes you don’t see the bigger picture at the time, I certainly didn’t. I just saw what I wanted, and what I THOUGHT was best for me; WHO I thought was best for me. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. Sometimes, those who decide to leave you in the most heartless of ways are those who are most beneficial to you as a person. Ironic right?

You see, I look back at all the tears I shed. And all the nights I stayed up crying, and hoping, and wishing. How I blamed everything on myself, and the only person to blame was the other person at the end of the spectrum. I beat myself up over something that I wasn’t deserved of. I took everything I had inside me, and I threw it back at myself. I ended up being toxic to my own self because of someone simply not caring about me like I thought they did.

Now I could go on and on about how hurt I may have been. Or how people aren’t who you think they are. But I’m not going to do that. I spent so long caring, so long looking over someone who just didn’t see it at all. Who still doesn’t see it. And although that’s still the case, my own personal self will not be put on the line for someone who ultimately won’t do the same back.

Because as much as you want to ‘save’ a person. As much as you want to make sure they’re okay, you have to think, “am I destroying myself by doing this?” And in my case, the answer was, and still is, yes.

Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and let people live their lives for themselves. As much as you want to watch over them. As much as you deeply long to care. Because if they mess up, it’s okay. People mess up. Find comfort in knowing that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready for you love and care, and when you’re ready to give them that.

Bottom line: don’t put yourself on the line for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Give that love to someone else, but don’t be heartless about it- nor naive. Find comfort in your own self to know what you want- and most importantly, what you need.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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General blog posts | Me & my life | relationships | Uncategorized

Optimism

By on January 4, 2017


It’s a whole new year, and you have probably heard the phrase ‘new year, new me’ used countless times. Granted, I used to use that phrase myself, but over time I have realised, “really??” I think a new year holds new optimism and opportunities rather than a whole new, and different, person.

I have never felt so confident at the start of a year before. Normally, I assume that every year will be the same as the last. I’ll go to school. Maybe make new friendships. Maybe try at least one new thing. But this year seems different in a good kind of way. A lot has changed since this time last year- for one, I’ve finished education so I actually have more time to do things with my life.

This year holds so much optimism because there are so many amazing opportunities out there just waiting for me. Whether that’s in friendship, love, relationships, job prospects, or anything in between. I feel as though last year is helping my own growth into this year and the prospects really are endless.

It’s a new year. I feel as though people say this all the time (“blank slate” and all that), but it truly is. I feel like a fresh start is just what I need right now, a time to destress, get rid of all the toxic vibes, and just create new memories. Towards the end of last year I began to realise that life really is too short. Take every year as it comes, and just live for once and feel alive. Take life, and do what makes you happy because it’s the most amazing feeling.

I really hope I end this year with as much optimism as I have begun it with. Leave the past in the past, and create more positive moments. I think that is especially true of last year, and the idea of a new beginning completely excites me. Who knows where I’ll be 6 months from now. Who knows what I’ll even be writing about on here 6 months from now. Who knows how many amazing people I’ll be lucky enough to meet this year. I think it’s also the idea of ‘not knowing’ but being completely overwhelmed and excited with the idea of a new chapter in life. Here’s to 2017 and whatever weird and wonderful things may come with it.

Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Choosing kindness

By on December 21, 2016


I’ll admit that some things in life, we don’t get to choose. Sometimes things are out of our hands, but I am a strong believer that happiness can be a choice.

I actually have a wooden wall hanging up in my room which says, “choose kindness and laugh often.” Kindness is something in which I try to do as best as I can and that quote really stood out to me.

You have probably heard this a million times, but you honestly don’t know what people are going through. If you are reading this right now, there has probably been a time in your life in which people have not been too kind when you need that kindness the most- and it really does ‘suck.’

We are not all going to be saints, and it’s probably impossible for people to be kind all the time. We’re human, it’s realistically not going to happen. But sometimes random acts of kindness are the best acts of kindness. The kind that are unexpected, and arguably mean the most. Whether it’s as small as giving one pound to charity, or even holding the door open for someone, you cannot deny the fact that the world would be a much more positive place if people chose kindness more often.

I actually read something the other day, and it seemed to really stand out to me:

“Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you.”

“No. Do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love people. All people. No conditions attached. No wondering whether or not they are worthy. Cross OCEANS, climb MOUNTAINS, life and love isn’t about what you GAIN. It’s more about what you GIVE.”

I don’t have the original link to the picture which I quoted this from, but it is so unbelievable true. Sometimes you have to be kind to people who may not be kind to you. I don’t mean in a ‘naive’ sort of way, but more for your own mindset. I would much rather be a person with kind intentions, than a person who only has kind intentions when they receive something in return.

And hey, it’s nearly Christmas. That means the time for giving, kindness, and pure happiness. Even a small act of kindness can make a big difference; whether that’s on one person’s life, or thousands of lives. Never forget that.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | relationships | Uncategorized

Every passing thought

By on November 19, 2016


I am currently sat in a coffee shop (once again) staring at my blank notes on my laptop and trying to come up with a blog post in which i can express every radical and deep thought that surrounds my head at this moment in time.

I think one of the things that I have always been most scared of is judgement. The idea that I will never be good enough for anyone, and that I will occasionally be open to scrutiny and not find a way out from it.

When I write endless blog posts about how I am me, or about how I have grown as a person, I do it as more of my own personal reflection of who I’m becoming and I’m proud of it. I’m proud of the fact that people can now presume I’m ‘this and that,’ and I will honestly take no notice of it because I know who I am.

I occasionally like to reflect on self confidence and wow, this is something I still can’t believe is real. I was always one of those people who wished people would be more confident in themselves because there are so many genuinely beautiful people in this world who simply don’t see that, but never told myself the same thing. I can’t tell you how many times I used to purposely avoid mirrors because I physically couldn’t accept who I was.

In fact, it was only last week on a night out that I wore a short body con dress that I would’ve never imagined wearing 5 months ago. i feel like I’m going on a preachy tangent, but I am extremely emotional right now and would cry into my cold brew that is sat next to me but the only thing left is the sugar at the bottom. Typical.

Maybe we all have our own unique space in this world and we don’t see it. Maybe fate works in weird and wonderful ways. Maybe our friends are our friends to make us who we are. Maybe our ex relationships are our hurtful past to in fact, make us stronger. Maybe the people who drift in and out of our lives is the worlds way of telling us to make the most of people in our lives while they’re here.

I often look up at the sky and think all these things. I mean, I’m only eighteen yeas old. I’m young. I have so much more of life to experience, yet it all seems to make sense to me at the moment… in a jumbled sort of way. I probably have another 5,000 relationship break-ups to come my way, and god knows how many jobs until I find the one that seems to suit me best. But instead of thinking about boys, or relationships I look up at the sky and think about life. And people. And how my life is just beginning, and how excited I am to see what’s next in store for me.

The fact is, I’m an avid thinker. I am looking round this coffee shop right now and thinking about people’s lives. About how they manage to pay bills, or mortgages, or even student finances. At the moment, i don’t have to worry about that. But at the end of the day, maybe that doesn’t matter. if you have no money now, trust fate to work everything out. Maybe I’m naive. But maybe living is simply the only fundamental part to life.

I can’t write poetry. I physically can’t. i always sit there and write poems about heartbreak and about how sad I may be feeling one night. I can’t rhyme to save my life. None of it really flows, but for some reason, I still want to publish a book full of ‘bad poetry.’ Nothing has to be perfect, though. Not even my own writing. Gosh, my blog is full of rambling posts about life and I think I fluff my writing too much. But my bad poetry makes me, me. My dodgy blind eye makes me, me. My mistakes make me, me.

This is an insight into my head and my thoughts. In fact, I’m thinking about texting my best friend back right now because I accidentally forgot to this morning and now I am worrying about how she is. Maybe I care too much about the small things, but sometimes they’re the best things to live for. Like laughing until you can’t physically breathe. Sitting in a coffee shop for two hours writing about life. Spending time with friends. Looking up at the sky, and trees, and nature. Let your life live in itself.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Am I good enough?

By on September 24, 2016

I have heard so many people refer to this idea. ‘Am I good enough for him / her?’ ‘Am I good enough for myself?’ As someone who battles anxiety on a daily basis, I constantly pressure myself to be good enough. It may sound completely stupid, but the impact I make on people’s lives, and how others perceive me as plays a big part in my life.

So, am I good enough? The answer is that I don’t know if I am good enough to others… but I shouldn’t have to be. I have reached a point where I’m good enough for myself and that’s all that matters. If I stick to the person who I want to be, and continue to grow in myself, then I’m completely happy with that.

There’s been times where I got so bogged down about not being good enough for someone. It was only a couple of months ago where I used to sit there and wish I wasn’t me, and I was a totally different person. It’s worrying how little I used to think about myself, and how I would constantly beat myself up over things that are simply out of my control.

As well as people, I occasionally have a tendency to tell myself my “blog isn’t good enough,” and the same goes with my writing and poetry. I presssure myself to be perfect, but perfection is out of my reach. At the end of the day, my blog may not have “top class” writing, or my poems may not be like Shakespeare, but I’m happy to create these pieces of writing and continue to develop and better them over time (so basically please bare with me!) I guess this is the main reason why I simply get so overwhelmed when someone compliments my writing, or tell me they can relate to me and my thoughts. It’s crazy to imagine that my writing is good enough to someone.

To be completely honest, I feel extremely vulnerable and sensitive when I refer to this topic. It’s hard for me to reflect back on when I felt utterly hopeless, and that I could never live up to people’s expectations. I spent the whole of my last relationship worried about “not being good enough,” and him deserving ten times better than the person I was. I’ve soon began to realise that it wasn’t fair on either of us for me to think that. There was a reason I was in a relationship with him, and maybe I’m not as much of a bad person as I think I am.

It baffles me when people tell me I’m “one of the most amazing people they’ve ever met” or that I “light up their life even a little bit.” I’ve never seen that in myself, and I’ve always strived to be good to everyone and impact on their lives, but never thought I’d ever reached those goals. Granted, I don’t believe it when I get told this. Maybe because I’m extremely insecure and only just coming to terms and being happy in myself.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is how I physically hate myself for not being good enough. I was thinking about this the other day, and came to the conclusion that everything everyone hates or dislikes in me, I’m already aware of, and I’ve hated about myself at one point too. If you’re going to point out why I’m not good enough for you, I already know and I’ve already realised it. When it comes down to it, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the person I loved and cared for the most because of this very reason and that’s pretty scary.

On the flip side, don’t expect others to be ‘good enough’ for you. If they’re trying their hardest, then that’s all that matters. There’s nothing worse than someone feeling so emotional and under pressure over the thought of not being good enough for someone or living up to people’s standards- trust me, you’re doing okay just being you.

When overcoming these dominant and toxic thoughts, I’ve noticed that the only person you need to be good enough for is yourself. If someone hates you, or if someone misunderstands you and judges you, that’s their problem. I will not turn into people’s negative expectations, and I’ll continue doing me and being happy in me. I deserve to give myself credit where credit is due. I’m far from perfect, but there must be some things that make people want to have me in their lives- even if they’re small.

The bottom line is that you won’t please everyone, and that’s okay. I have people who probably hate my guts and can’t stand me. But the people who know me certainly know I’m not what other people perceive me as. Deep down, there’s someone in me that gets lost. Someone in me that feels so low about themselves. But there’s also someone who knows that I only have to please myself. And guess what? I’m pretty happy with myself at the moment. I’m making the right decisions. I’m making positive steps forward to recovery, and I’m constantly bettering myself and my lifestyle. It’s taken a lot of strength and patience for me to get here, and that’s friggen amazing. Even though people may judge you, you’re good enough for me and you’re certainly good enough for yourself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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17 things I've learnt at 17

By on August 27, 2016


It’s pretty crazy that as I’m writing this post, I turn 18 tomorrow. That means adult responsibilities, one step closer to living on my own, more independence and starting to live my life how I want with the help of my parents keeping my life on track, of course.

It honestly feels like only yesterday I turned 17. How my years of childhood have flown by. However, I’m excited and overwhelmed for this new chapter in my life, and I’m thankful for everything I’ve learnt over this past year.

1. Exam stress does exist

The saddest part about being 17 is probably that I spent my whole year revising the hell out of my A Level subjects. Sat in a classroom learning about Karl Marx and English poets could’ve gone better. I work myself up so much over exams. If something doesn’t go in, I get frustrated and begin to blame myself… and exam stress leads to becoming ill. Due to this, I was still up at 2am in the morning before my last A Level exam in Sociology throwing up. Note to self: Don’t pressure yourself so much Becca- everything works out how it’s meant to in the end.

2. Cut out toxic people

I hate to break it to myself, but there are such thing as toxic people and I have experienced them. You know the kind of people that continuously put you down and aren’t concerned with your well-being at all? The sort in which you give everything to them, and they pay you a pittance back? Yeah. Thankfully they’re pretty much gone from my life now and I’m a thousand times happier. Well done me.

3. College will be the best time of your life

Wow. Never in a million years did I ever imagine I would say this. I have learnt this year, that college was the most empowering and happiest time of my life. I met my bestest friend through college and learnt some of life’s most important life lessons through college this year. Maybe hard work does have some positive aspects too. *cough* I’m going to miss college and the people *cough*

4. I can actually be loved

Quite ironic how this time last year I was so down over how I was ‘unlovable,’ and completely baffled by the concept of ever being loved by someone, never mind ever being in a relationship. I remember being sat with my friends last year so bogged down over myself, my low self esteem and how I would be single all my life (we all have these moments, but I literally thought I was unlovable). However, I had my first relationship while I was 17, pretty crazy huh? Turns out I’m not completely worthless to everyone as much as I thought a year ago.

5. Confidence is friggen amazing

HEY SO HALF WAY INTO BEING 17 I FOUND THE FEELING OF CONFIDENCE AND EMPOWERMENT. I never understood how people could stand there and admit they were confident in themselves and their body. It really baffled me. But I found that self love and acceptance works wonders. I’ve learnt to embrace my flaws and just accept myself (and write a thousand blog posts on self love and empowerment, but you get the gist).

6. Break-ups suck

With my first relationship came my first break up- but that’s the way of life. It was only a month or so ago, that I admitted to my friend that no one can prepare you for a break up and how surprisingly stressful and mentally draining it can be. My key to it was keeping myself busy and not staying in the house… and it worked wonders. But with that came stress, there’s only so much you can do in 3 weeks without it getting boring. But time heals. You get over it. You end up doing better things, and concentrating on yourself first and foremost. Break ups may suck, but maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have my blog or be this happy. Like I say, everything works out in the end.

7. People actually hate equality

I educated myself a lot on the concept of Feminism whilst being 17. Even though I’ve labelled myself as  Feminist for about 2 or so years now, it’s only been over the past year that I’ve really spoken up regarding inequality. I have been slated shall you say for being a Feminist, and it is quite upsetting and irritating more than anything. How can you hate someone for literally just wanting gender equality???? THAT. IS. IT.

8. How happy it can make someone reminding them of their beauty

Ok so I get it. I used to think it was pretty ‘weird’ to tell someone how beautiful they actually are. I mean, it must be one of the most cliche and overused phrases going. Nevertheless, I realised that we live in a world with people of all ages and genders who are so insecure and it genuinely upsets me. Over Christmas season last year, I decided to compliment one person a day and their reactions made me so happy. I may make that an 18 tradition too…

9. Who I am

I was a bit late learning this whilst I was 17. I spent the majority of being 17 completely baffled as to who I am, what my purpose is in this world, and if I even am a worthy enough person. I have slowly began to realise that the only person I should please is myself. I’m happy and confident in the person I’m turning into- and finally think I am ‘kind or compassionate enough.’ It’s sad how much I put myself down and how much pressure I put myself under to be ‘good enough’ for everyone. But I’m me, and I’m not gonna change (that dramatically anyway!)

10. Friends can be the best part of life

Over the past year, I have grown to cherish friendships. Good friendships with people who genuinely care about you are hard to find; but when they do come into your life, it’s one of the best feelings. I have recently vowed to myself that I will continue to meet new people, and make new friends. Being surrounded by positive, and utterly inspiring people fills my heart with such gratitude- and I couldn’t be happier with the group od friends that surround me right now.

11. How to be a good person and that it is possible to forgive

Maybe this isn’t one of the best things I’ve learnt whilst being 17 because sometimes I end up pressuring myself when I’m not as kind and compassionate as I would like to be, but it’s still an important lesson I’ve learnt nevertheless. It’s pretty crazy how many times I’ve decided to forgive people whilst being 17, and surprisingly I don’t regret any of the times I ended up forgiving others. At the end of the day, it has helped to shape my life today- and I wouldn’t have many of the happy memories if it wasn’t for me forgiving.

12. Developed my passion for music

I have always been a huge lover of music, regardless of the genre. I think it’s so beautiful how relatable music is- and even how amazing the production can be in some songs. When I say I love music and I’m so passionate about music and the industry that surrounds it, I really do mean it. Whilst being 17, I recently stumbled across some of my most favourite music artists to date; from Melanie Martinez and Halsey to Macklemore and The Weeknd. I really am such a music enthusiast. 

13. My personal ‘therapy’

This is one of the most important things I’ve learnt whilst I’ve been 17. Even a few months ago, I didn’t have a ‘therapy’ for when I felt down or felt like the whole world was literally on top of me. It’s pretty scary getting in that frame of mind, and I have finally found my therapy which can help that- words. I recently did a blog post on the healing of words which illustrates this point perfectly. Whether it’s writing poetry, scribbling down my thoughts in my notebook, or even writing a blog post; words have really helped me heal over the past few months and that’s pretty surreal.

14. To just be myself

I think I am the worst person when it comes to being worried about people hating me or judging me. I constantly worry over people judging everything I do. People thinking I’m “too this” or “too that.” That I shouldn’t do this or that and it can get really draining. I have slowly began to realise that who cares? These judgement are coming from people who barely know me, who barely make the effort to know me, and who are judging me based on false or inaccurate evidence. I know who I am and I’m happy in who I am. You either like that about me, or you lump it. Cut me some slack people.

15. How ‘in touch’ I am with the world

I don’t think even I really understood my view of the world before this past year. I never understood my own views on things. I have now realised that I have my eyes so open to th world around me. Whether that’s understanding people’s intentions, or admiring nature; I’m pretty awake when it comes to this world.

16. Blogging friends are pretty cool

Okay, so I may be kinda new to the whole blogging idea and the blogging community. However, I’ve made friends with an amazing bunch of girls within such a tight community. You can check out our joint Twitter account here! #GRLPOWR

17. And finally, life is pretty amazing

Being 17 has been a whirlwind for me. I’ve made friends, lost contact with some friends, and met new people. I’ve discovered new amazing things about myself that I never knew existed. I’ve opened my eyes to the world and the amazing people that can come with it. I’ve looked after myself, and not let anxiety define me. I’ve battled, and I’ve got through things. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life right now and I am so unbelievably confident and empowered. Roll on turning 18 and everything that comes with it!

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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