Me & my life – Page 2 – itsbeccajayne

Me & my life

Lots of summer vibes…

By Becca Jayne on May 13, 2017

Like half of the UK right now, I start getting excited over a little bit of sun and longing for summer to begin. What tops is off, is that Paramore’s new album seems to be giving me those summer vibes that we all love when it comes to music- and I’m basically in a ‘summer’ mood (hence this blog post). Oh, and you should totally check out Paramore’s new album if you haven’t already.

I spent a lot of last summer coming to terms with a recent break-up, and just trying to find myself in general. It seems like last summer was a bit of a blur, which is probably why I am so excited for change this summer- full of positive vibes, people, and memories.

It’s 2017 and I am aware like me, a lot of you reading this right now probably have an endless bucket list full of stuff you want to achieve and do this summer. However, this summer I have an extreme feeling of wanderlust and the excitement of travelling and exploring in general.

This summer, I want to push myself to do things and go places that I’ve never been to before. For example, one big thing that I want to do this summer is go to Glasgow and explore the city (I hear it’s an amazing city, so let me know your own experiences). I also want to find my independence again and go on spontaneous trips and take pictures and just soak up ‘life’ for what it is.

Summer is for getting out, stepping out of your comfort zone and exploring. Whether that’s on my own, or with a partner. Summer is for beaches, and tans (although, I’m so pale that I don’t tan). Here’s to this summer, and here’s to trying new things that I haven’t tried before.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

2,229 Comments

Relationships: An update

By Becca Jayne on April 19, 2017

Okay, maybe I should’ve renamed the title ‘an update of my single life,’ but why not throw in a bit of imagination… right?

The fact is, yes I’m still single, and yes I’m still happy blogging about it. But I’ve recently been thinking about how I deal with being single, rather than how it feels.

I’m one of ‘those’ singles who actually likes it. I like my alone time as it is, so being single is like second nature to me. No, that’s not sarcastic as much as it sounded. Rather, I find it rewarding. A way in which I can find out more about myself, before anyone else finds out those parts of me. A space for me to grow, before I have the opportunity to grow with someone else.

But how do I deal with being single? Honestly, not very well. I’m ‘that’ single (yes, I used that phrase again), that would rather act like they don’t care. Someone of the opposite sex showing any type of interest in me? I shut them off. Someone of the opposite sex tries to make effort with me? I shut them off even more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stubborn, afraid of feelings, would rather be ‘sassy’ like I don’t care; or a mix of all three.

I don’t know if I’ve developed feelings for anyone anymore because I am so used to getting let down. I hate letting my walls down for someone, so I simply don’t do it anymore. I make life hard work, for myself and for the other person, that in the end it just simply isn’t worth it. I’m too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and really don’t take feelings or anything seriously anymore. That may have something to do with past experiences (*cough, cough*), but hey, my life motto at the moment seems to go something like, “Who knows?”

When the right person comes along, and puts up with my stubborn behaviour, then great. Maybe it’s meant to be. Maybe I’m playing a game that isn’t fair, or maybe I’m simply playing myself out of potential relationships. Who knows? I guess I’ll update you if anything interesting happens; but until then, here’s to being stubborn and being single. Maybe I’ll change one day for someone who deserves it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

2,345 Comments

Me & my life | Mental health | Uncategorized

Is social media all it's cracked up to be?

By Becca Jayne on April 1, 2017

The wonderful world of social media. If you’re a fellow blogger, or just use social media for fun or to pass time, you will understand what I mean. Composing the right tweet. Getting the right Instagram theme (my theme is driving me crazy at the moment!) Promoting your public Snapchat and trying to be interesting as well as just being you (oh hi there, my Snapchat it’s itssbeccajayne by the way *wink, wink.*) But as amazing as social media is, why do I always find myself having to ‘take a break’ from it to calm my anxiety?

I guess me and social media have a love / hate relationship. I love being able to connect with my readers, and other bloggers in general. I love how handy it is when it comes to making plans with friends just by a click of a button, and it is actually one of my most loved hobbies. In the near future, I aspire to go to university to study ‘digital marketing,’ so I guess I’m going to have to have some passion for social media at least.

On the other hand, there are things in which I deeply hate about social media; ‘Facebook’ in particular. I am aware that a lot of other bloggers have touched on this subject, and I couldn’t agree more. Facebook, more than any other social media platform, suffocates me the most. The constant posts about relationships which actually presents toxic behaviour, or those ‘relatable’ posts which just make you question humanity in general. I can’t tell you how many times exactly I have deactivated my Facebook account and that scares me. The fact that I’ve had to delete my account to feel somewhat okay in myself again.

Don’t get me wrong, social media is great. Overall, it is my #1 source for my blog traffic, helps me connect with people worldwide, and helps pass time. Bored? Social media. Making breakfast? Check your social media. Wake up? Check your social media. But sometimes I wish it wasn’t like that. Sometimes my mental health needs those days where I wake up and don’t worry about the whole world being exposed to every tweet I send. Sometimes I don’t need to go on Facebook and feed myself negative thoughts. Sometimes I don’t need to go on Instagram and think ‘why do I look like that?’ or ‘My theme is awful and it’s stressing me out.’ Sometimes your mental health is aching for a break from it all; and if you ever get to that point, give yourself what your body wants.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the world of social media, that we neglect ourselves in the process. We fail to see what it is doing to our mental health and we keep self destructing ourselves. I often feel like it’s a dark, misty cloud over me in which I can’t get rid of and feel suffocated in. It doesn’t have to be that way. As amazing as the world of social media is, it often has it’s negatives and separation for a while is sometimes key.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

144 Comments

General blog posts | Me & my life | Uncategorized

Why I hate modern day dating

By Becca Jayne on March 25, 2017

It’s been a while since I have done a ‘relationships’ themed blog post, but something has been stuck on my mind on repeat for a few weeks now which has to have it’s own escape.

It’s no secret that I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so stubborn that I would rather ‘keep myself to myself’ rather than let a boy even talk to me, or because I simply don’t believe anyone could be genuinely interested in me.

But you know, on them odd occasions where I do let someone in, the whole dating / texting thing annoys the shit out of me. All the games. How nothing is as simple as, “Hey, want to go for coffee sometime?” I like straight to the point. I like people who show interest because I always think the opposite.

Sure, the chase is fun. I like being able to chase someone, and have someone chase me. Dating is a game at the end of the day, but do I really want to play it? The fact that it is almost ‘forbidden’ to text someone back straight away because you’re seen as ‘too keen.’ Nah, I just happened to have my phone on me at the time. Just like if I don’t text you back after 3 hours, I was probably busy living my life.

Everything is so casual. It takes a lot for me to admit I like someone in that way (mainly because I’m too independent and stubborn for my own good), but when I do- it’s just another game. God forbid you text someone for weeks on end and you’re not allowed to have feelings. God forbid that you spend your time on texting someone, when at the end of it all, you’re the ‘crazy’ one for catching feelings- because it’s just harmless fun, right? It feels like dating is a mockery and it utterly angers me how people are shamed so much.

Look at break-ups for example. I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ that even though I got cheated on and hurt, I can’t actually show any emotion. I mean why do people hurt after break-ups anyway- just move on. Lol. That was clearly sarcastic, but you get my point. Let yourself fucking hurt, and then let yourself heal into a better person. And I am not ashamed that I have done just that. So fuck you to anyone who watched me hurt and rolled their eyes. Who cares? We’re all just emotionless robots, aren’t we? *rolls eyes.*

Well, it inspired this blog so there’s that.

And I guess that’s why I hate dating / talking / texting / anything relationship orientated. I . just . can’t . do . it . The pathetic games, the laughs when you get hurt. It all doesn’t seem worth it to loose myself in the process. Maybe I’m too stubborn. Maybe I’ll die single. But I’d rather be single then be caught up in constant games.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

3,196 Comments

Me & my life | Mental health | Uncategorized

Am I ashamed?

By Becca Jayne on March 22, 2017

I really should be sleeping instead of writing this blog post as I have work early tomorrow morning (oops), however I felt so inspired so decided to grab my laptop quick and write about something that has been bugging me for a while. I never knew how to express this ‘thing that’s been bugging me’ until now, and in some ways I still don’t. This post will have no structure whatsoever, but there’s some things that I desperately need to get off my chest for my own sake. So here it goes (warning: there may be a bit of rambling, but who doesn’t love a good ol’ rambled post, eh?)

A lot of things have changed drastically in my life over the past couple of months or so, and things still seem to be rapidly changing as we speak. From friends, to what I do in my free time, to handling my mental health, even to me as a person. I don’t take well to change, which I guess is why I feel so encouraged in myself to write this blog post.

You see, one thing I seem to ask myself a lot is if I’m ashamed in myself. If I deserve to beat myself up over certain things, if I made the right decisions. Obviously with having generalised anxiety, it makes the whole process of figuring this out a lot harder, but I finally came to a conclusion. I live my life for myself with the intention of also putting others first unless it is toxic to me. If something is making me feel sad, or uncomfortable, or just doesn’t feel right anymore; then I have to stop beating myself up over making decisions for myself. Sometimes it doesn’t make me selfish, rather stop me from self destroying.

And then I think about the person I am becoming, and the choices I’ve made. You see, the things is, I always try to make the best decision and put others first. But that realistically is not always going to happen. I’ve said this before, but I have to make myself make mistakes sometimes so I can learn from them; and most importantly, grow.

And that’s another thing I want to address in this post, I am 18 years old. I am by no means experienced in anything in life, nor do I claim to be. I suck at relationships, and break-ups and talking to boys in general; but that’s because I’m still yet to grow. I make immature decisions and look back on them and think, “Really Becca? So mature.” But I’m growing. – And I’m not using this whole ‘growth’ thing as some sort of excuse either. That’s the beauty about living, is watching yourself grow due to your past self.

At the end of the day, I am not going to be exactly the same now as the person I’ll be in 10 years. Nor am I exactly the same as I was even a year ago. I am developing for the better every day, and I want to work hard to get to who I want to be. I want to make people proud, and make myself proud. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to look back on this blog post in 10-30 years and think, “I did it.”

So, going back to the question at the start of this post. Am I ashamed? In myself? In who I am? In who I’m becoming? Not at all. Because to me, being ashamed is looking at myself in a negative light. I don’t want to move backwards, rather forwards. I want to make a positive impact on myself, and those around me. I want to always do better, and be better. And for the majority of the past year, I’ve done just that. But everything takes time, and sometimes we just need to be patient with ourselves.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

900 Comments

Empowerment | Feminism | Me & my life | Uncategorized

Womanhood

By Becca Jayne on March 18, 2017

I have recently had a feeling of empowerment and confidence, and felt like it has to be written down somewhere. Aka here. You see, I love being a woman. Sure, there are things that suck such as periods, and annoying boobs, and just woman-ly things in general. But honestly, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a woman, and I came to the conclusion that it is unique for every individual. I love being a woman because it makes me feel empowered, and confident. I like the idea of being a ‘strong woman,’ and a fearless woman, and a woman with ambitions and dreams. I like being a woman who finds confidence within her own self, rather than relying on men all the time (although that’s okay too- like I said, personal to each individual).

I like the idea of being a woman, and being me. At the end of the day I know that I am not defined by my gender as each individual is different, but I love embracing womanhood. I love talking about girl power, and bringing up other women, and the whole concept which surrounds our whole gender.

I have recently become engrossed in ‘Kehlani’s’ new album recently, in which she highlights the concept of womanhood and love in her ‘Intro’ which is taken from a poet called, Reyna Biddy. I have taken some of my most favourite lyrics from this piece, and put them below so you have a better understanding of what I’m talking about:

I’m afraid you’re under the impression
That I was made to please you
I was under the impression you understood me better
The truth is, I’m a superwoman
And some days I’m an angry woman
And some days I’m a crazy woman
For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I’m aching
For still trusting that I’m still worth the most
For still searching for someone to understand me better.

I find the lyrics so incredibly empowering and eye-opening, and it just brought me back to what makes me feel mot alive and like a woman. The idea of longing for love and understanding, yet not mixing that up with the ambition to please anyone.

Because the fact is, I am writing this post feeling extremely strong, liberated and free minded. I feel like as a woman, as me, I can conquer anything. I can achieve my goals. I can work on myself and be a better woman and person. I can be independent, and sexy, and strong minded. I can be me and feel comfortable in who I am.

Here’s to womanhood, confidence, liberation and us.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

139 Comments

Me & my life | Uncategorized

Why I delayed going to university

By Becca Jayne on March 15, 2017

Oh university. I feel like all my friends are currently having the time of their lives (or maybe not who knows?) at university at the moment. Considering most of my friends went onto higher education, and some are living away, I often regret not going to university straight after college, but at the same time know that it was the right decision for me.

To be honest, I didn’t fully know what I wanted to do with my life until a couple of months ago, and I still don’t know if I do. But at the time of the ‘university application process,’ it just did not interest me at all. At the end of the day, university is a lot of money to spend on education if you’re not 100% set on what you want to do. It’s hard, and it’s certainly a big decision.

As well as not knowing what I wanted to study, I also put off going to university because I don’t think I am fully ready to go yet. I am 18, and I want to live my life a little bit before I truly commit to something that I passionately want to do for the rest of my life. Go out, get drunk, socialise with friends, make memories, experience lots of amazing things.

I also wanted to get experience in various jobs before I went to university. I’ve really worked on improving my CV over the past year, and I want to experience a job environment before I step into the big wide world. I am a strong believer in making the most of life while you can and cherishing every moment, something in which I can proudly say I have done over the past year or so.

However, none of this means to say that I will never go to university. In fact, I have my sights set on looking at a few different universities over the next year (yes, I desperately want to move away and use university as a ‘new chapter’ in my life). At the moment, I am looking at studying digital marketing whenever I go to university, as it’s basically everything that I enjoy doing. Blogging. Social media promotion. I want to study something when I’m ready, but for now, I want to continue enjoying being young. And hey, who knows if this ‘gap year’ turns into ‘5 gap years,’ but I certainly am optimistic and looking forward to the future.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

229 Comments

Progress: An update

By Becca Jayne on March 11, 2017

I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

234 Comments

Empowerment | Feminism | Me & my life | Uncategorized

Why international women's day is important to me

By Becca Jayne on March 8, 2017

I don’t want this blog post to be full of rambling statistics regarding the ‘wage gap,’ or general statistics regarding gender equality; rather I want to use this blog post to promote the fundamental idea’s of ‘International Women’s Day’ (March 8th), and why I am so passionate about it.

International Women’s Day celebrates the social, economic, cultural and political achievement of women.
Yet progress has slowed in many places across the world, so global action is needed to accelerate gender parity.
In 2016 leaders across the world pledged to take action as champions of gender parity
– not only for International Women’s Day, but for every day.

(Taken from https://www.internationalwomensday.com).

It is no secret that I identify myself as a Feminist, and love the idea of ‘girl power’ and female empowerment. Not that I should have to justify my beliefs, but that doesn’t mean to say that I do not believe in male empowerment either. However, this is a day for women to come together and show how strong we actually are. To reflect on the past, and look at how far women have come in society.

I’m sure if you sat down, you could name hundreds + of inspirational, strong and powerful women which exist, and existed, within different societies. And that’s the reality of it all; women can be just that, and we are just that.

International Women’s Day highlights a number of factors when it comes to females in general. For example, reflecting on gender inequality which still exists worldwide today. You don’t have to feel oppressed yourself to have your eyes open to the scary realities that some women have to face daily. Look at FGM (female genital mutilation) for one. However, it is also important that as well as highlighting these gender inequality issues that still exist today, we also reflect upon the positives within the movement.

For example, many women now have the right to vote; a right in which I certainly do not, and ever will, take for granted. Women had to die for that right, and I certainly feel proud to be able to vote for my political beliefs. In addition, we have had increasing improvement in the status of women in society. We are now able to work, and choose our family sizes for ourselves. We are now able to hold our own independence within society and do it with a ‘hell yeah’ attitude and I love that. I love being able to work, and earn just as much money as my male colleagues. (I guess that’s a whole other topic for another day).

I like to think of myself as a Feminist in which reflects at gender inequality, and picks out the positives that have been achieved within the movement whilst working on the negatives which still exists today. And I believe that International Women’s Day fundamentally does that. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel proud to be a woman. It makes me proud of my female friends, their strength, and how inspiring other females are to me. It reflects girl power, and unites women together. It makes me realise that even I am a hell of a lot stronger than I originally thought I was.

I am a woman. I am female. And I am proud.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

You can find more information on International Women’s Day by clicking here.

46 Comments

Me & my life | Uncategorized

A build up of everything

By Becca Jayne on March 4, 2017

Something kind of just popped in my brain. Like something in which I have been hiding away for so long suddenly made sense. As to why I feel things that I wish I didn’t feel. As to why certain emotions have led me to do things that is out of character. As to why I should sometimes listen to my emotions.

A few months ago, I thought that the solution to feeling hurt, upset and total emotion was to just bottle everything up and act like it simply wasn’t there. I actually didn’t give myself time to hurt, or recover from hurt, and it just caused my emotions to build up more and more. At the time, I never really realised this, but now I have realised that listening to myself and my own mind is healthiest.

The fact is, we all hurt sometimes. Shit happens. Things happen that cause us to be upset, cry, huddle into a bawl and not want to come out. But sometimes you’ve got to embrace that as odd as it sounds. I never enabled myself to feel that kind of pain because I simply didn’t want to. I kept bandaging it up and hoping for the best, and it’s caused this whole shebang. This whole blog post.

I know this blog post won’t make a lot of sense to some of you reading this right now, and that’s totally okay. I just wanted somewhere to put all my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly emotions without feeling like I was being watched or judged. Because the fact is, I’ve spent the past year of my life feeling like people are watching my every move. Like they’re ready to jump and pounce on me every mistake I make, and as much as that shouldn’t bother me (and for a long time didn’t), I’m human, and it does.

I want to make my own peace with my own self and my own mind. I want to stop acting out in anger and spite, because that simply is not me- or who I aspire to be. Wow that rhymes. Because the fact is, the things that bother us deep down may cause us to do stupid things, and all I can do is apologise; to myself especially. I wanted to make this year the year in which I stuck to my own mind. My own wishes, and lived life for myself. Here’s to listening to my emotions for once without bottling them up, and being the passive person I wan to be.

Stay true to who you are, even if you may waver at times. Those around you know the real you, no matter what mistakes you may make.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

210 Comments