Empowerment | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

A note to myself

By on April 29, 2018

Hi, hello. Once again, it’s been nearly two months since I last wrote my previous blog post; and personally, I feel like it’s two months too long. I have been meaning to get back into the swing of blogging for a while now, but I feel like before I do, there’s some things that need updating and need addressing.

So bare with me in this post. I want to make this as mentally healing for me, and it may be for you reading this. I want it to be pure, from the heart, and just genuine. No ‘beating around the bush,’ just purely reality.

For starters, I haven’t been in the best place recently and in the best head space. In all honesty, I have spent the best part of a month feeling marginalised and isolated- which is no one’s fault, but my own. Well, not exactly a ‘fault’ more like a ripple effect of my anxious behaviour recently. I have struggled with friendships, maintaining friendships and overall, getting to grips with the reality of everyone’s perceptions regarding myself. I have spent more time hating myself, rather than the opposite. And that needs to change.

I have touched on my blog previously about how I handle friendships, and people in my life in general. And one thing I’ve forgotten recently is how to embrace me. I need to stop being apologetic for who I am, and start embracing what I am. I’m human, with feelings, emotions, and someone who when it comes down to it, cares… a lot. That’s not a flaw, rather something that needs to be shown. Ultimately, my friends are my friends because of who I am. And that goes for everyone. You know yourself if you’re a part of a healthy relationship, or a toxic one. Take a healthy friendship for example; they’re some of the best human relationships around and should be kept.

I also recently had a friend who drifted back into my life, just at a time when I was at my lowest points. At a time where I felt like I had no one. I was empty, lost, and confused. But nevertheless, I went for it and it was one of the best things I’ve done this year. Because although there may be a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done, I am excited and optimistic about having someone else important in my life. And although I may make out like I don’t feel, the reality is that I cherish friendships. And this one is definitely staying cherished.

As for my career, I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how far I have come in the past year. I went from being in a crappy part-time job where I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough, to finding an okay job where I feel comfortable. I literally speak to strangers constantly day in and day out, and despite having crippling social anxiety only two years ago; I can sit here and say I did it. Of course there are days where I don’t feel like speaking to anyone, and from time to time I do still suffer from panic attacks in public. But I’ve pushed myself and reached limits I never believed would ever be achievable.

But that isn’t the best bit. I recently scored (yes, I just said scored!) an apprenticeship in a sector that I genuinely love and have done before I could remember. Meet a new ‘budding’ digital marketer. I finally became in control of my career and life… and just went for it. And, here I am. If you take anything away from this blog post, it would be to take risks as daunting and as terrifying as they may seem. I was reluctant to even apply, but despite being so down about not knowing what I want to do with my life over the past three years, I finally do and I couldn’t be anymore excited.

And as for relationships, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for knowing what I deserve and never settling for anything less than that. I’ve found that looking after myself is key, and toxic people can come in all shapes and forms. I’m proud of myself for not letting the fact that I was cheated on in the past control my future perceptions of someone else. I’m proud of myself for being confident enough to say- this is me, and if you don’t want that then jog on. I will not be apologetic for what I look like, how I act or what quirkiness I have because someone will appreciate that someday. I have spent too much of my life comparing myself to others and thinking “no one will ever love me,” because realistically, we all want to be loved for who we are.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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General blog posts | Me & my life

I have something to explain…

By on March 4, 2018

So, it’s been a long time since I last posted on here; so naturally, there is a lot to update on. If you’re not familiar with my blog, or my writing, you may not know that my blog is a positive, safe environment for myself to write my thoughts. To express myself. And to talk about certain topics I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable in talking about.

Nevertheless, I have been gone for a while. Duh. However, I’ve felt like a part of me has been missing for a while. And it’s this blog. So, like any other good ol’ blog post, I’m going to use this space to rant, express, and just update you on what has been going on.

For starters, my mental health took a turn for the worst. I know a lot of people talk about it (yas, we NEED to educate!), and yes, I know it can get repetitive. But I don’t want to hide the facts. I’ve felt extremely alone, tired, marginalised and it’s made me physically ill. Certain situations have occurred that I won’t go in to, and it’s made me have to take a step back. Honestly, it’s been challenging. I’m physically scared about ending up back in the place I was 2 years ago. I’ve been scared to tell anyone about it so I can avoid judgement. It’s been tough, but here I am.

I also forgot to mention that I am in the process of writing my first book. At the start of this year, I made it my main goal to publish my book by the end of this year, and to have all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be heard by everyone else. Normally I keep my feelings quite private, but there’s something vulnerable and empowering about sharing my life and my head space with everyone else. From boys, to relationships, to mental health, to empowerment in general. I’m finally becoming proud of my writing, and my quirky personality trait of being able to deeply feel.

Talking of boys, I always like to do a mini section on my blog about what’s going on in that area of my life. If you have read my blog before, you will know that I went through a hard break up nearly 2 years ago, and this blog helped the healing process. I don’t think I ever told you how empowering it felt to totally be over someone, and a situation after so long. About 6 months ago, I realised that those who truly want you in their life will never put themselves in a position to loose you. And I’ve had that countess amount of times. Which leads me onto where I am now.

I am still single, and I have always liked it that way. Even though I like to make out that I’m emotionless, heartless, and don’t feel for anyone… the reality is, I am the total opposite to all of those factors. I do feel. A lot. And that’s why it makes it so hard when it comes to boys & relationships. Yes, I’m extremely cautious. Ultimately, I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want another relationship or encounter, to be tossed aside at the end of it and have mind games in between. I simply know what I deserve now, however. And I never like to settle for anything less than that. But at the same time, I need tor realise that there is nothing wrong with feeling emotion for someone else. Because naturally, I make out that none of it matters, when it really does… to me.

I am really good at hiding my feelings. Or at least I think I am. I could really like someone, and I could act like the total opposite. Now, me liking someone is rare as it is. In all honesty, I normally talk to someone for a matter of days, and if I don’t feel in my gut that it’s right, I call it off straight away. And that has been true of pretty much every boy encounter that I’ve had in the past year and a half. I suck when it comes to boys. I am picky, but I also don’t like to settle for second best. It’s not fair on them, or me. But ultimately, I could like you; and then friend zone you right back. It’s like it’s a natural instinct of mine to stop people getting so close to me. And I hurt myself in the process. I like to think I’m confident enough to make the first move, and a good 7 out of 10 times I do. But there’s always those extra 3 situations in which I can’t do it. I’m scared of judgement ultimately, and I think that’s also due to a lack of self confidence. I don’t see myself as anything unique, or special. Rather, as someone that no one would ever want to see in that way. I’m strong, but I’m also vulnerable. And that’s my vulnerable side.

When it comes to friendships, I have begun to realise that I’m better on my own at times. I have a group of amazing friends who I value as individuals, and I like to keep it small and close knit. Anyone else who takes advantage of me, or who isn’t a healthy part of my life anymore will have to stay outside that circle. And as much as that upsets me as I love having people I’m close to, I know it has to be done for my own mind, and for me as a person.

Once again, I know and understand this was a long and rambled post. But would I be me if I did anything less? I’m hoping to post more on here again as I grow mentally stronger, and conquer everything that’s going on at the moment. But in the meantime, I also have a YouTube channel that you can check out if ‘ya like.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | relationships

A chatty post / relationships and apologies

By on September 28, 2017

Don’t ask me why I’m writing this at eleven o’clock at night, not even I’m entirely sure, but hey ho; here I am. In times of confusion when I can’t work out my feelings, or what is right or wrong for me, I normally take to writing to just splurge everything and hope for the best. And that’s kind of what this is.

I have never been good with ‘romantic’ relationships. Perusing them, sticking to them, that kind of thing. I’ve never been good with having feelings, and admitting to those feelings. I don’t know if that’s because I subconsciously see it as a sign of weakness, or if I am just so confused in everything that goes on in my brain that I simply don’t know. And that’s what this is. A state of confusion. And then realisation.

Something came over me today, and it’s something that I have been hiding from myself for a while. A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year and a half. I’ve lost contact with friends who I thought I would be friends with for life, I’ve dealt with a break-up (you’ve seen all the blog posts, if you know… you know), and I’ve become friends with people who I never imagined to be friends with a year ago. But just because you don’t see people as often, or just because certain people in your life aren’t around anymore; it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them.

I’m the sort of person who doesn’t live in a cloud of hatred, I just couldn’t. No matter how toxic you were to me, or no matter how upset you made me; I can’t ever hate anyone, because it’s simply not in my persona. It’s coming to the realisation that you can still love people, but it doesn’t mean that you need them in your life. No matter if that’s friends, family, or exes. Whatever. Are you still on track with how I’m thinking? Good.

Now onto my next point. Apologies. I don’t know if it’s because I live my life with the mindset of forgiveness and not holding onto grudges, but I feel so gullible when it comes to this. Or at least used to. I’ve had a long think with myself. Over how many apologies I’ve been issued, and over how many actually were genuine. If you apologise, and then continue to hurt, mock, not live up to your promises, then I’d rather you just never said anything at all. I’ve decided now that apologies are accepted, when they are lived up to. I can’t deal with anymore lies, and quite frankly; I won’t let my mind take it anymore. Either you apologise and grow, or you don’t apologise at all.

I’m sick of lying to myself regarding feelings. As much as I try to tell myself I don’t want one, I feel mentally ready for a relationship; yet I push anyone away who comes close. And maybe that’s my problem. I shouldn’t be so scared to open my heart up to people who are willing to do the same, and I certainly shouldn’t be scared of letting anyone to get to know me for once. I’ve always been me, and I always will be. It just takes one person to accept, love, and cherish that just like I’ve done to someone before.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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body positivity | Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

Why I’m single

By on August 20, 2017

I don’t know how to start this post in all honesty, so I’m just going to go ahead and do what I do best. Ramble.

I have written a lot of relationship themed posts on here, but nothing like this one. It’s no secret that I spend my life, thinking… and then over-thinking; and tonight was one of those nights. I managed to come to some sort of conclusion as to why I don’t like getting into relationships, seeking relationships, or even speaking to anyone. I simply don’t feel good enough, and I’ll explain why.

Getting into a relationship with someone who has mental health issues is tough, i’ll be first to admit that. And I’m a handful. Despite the fact that I am generally a happy, bubbly and a cheerful person with the most dorky personality- sometimes I can get very sad. Sometimes I can tear into myself. And it’s not fair on anyone else.

I often look back on my days and think, “Did I do that right,” or, “What if I caused more harm than good?” I want to be a positive influence, and a source of change, somehow, but I feel like I’m doing the opposite.

I’ve been in a lot of toxic relationships, including friendships in general. Someone seeing the vulnerable side to me genuinely frightens me, but it’s there. It’s a part of me, yet it doesn’t define me as a person. No, I’m not sad all the time. No I’m not self-conscious all the time. But there’s time’s like this where I am, and I can be.

For years, I’ve struggled with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my own body. I occasionally see myself as a nothingness, I have no unique or ‘stand out’ features. I don’t fit in with the stereotypical idea of beauty, neither do I fit in with the quirky styles of beauty. I occasionally eat, and then regret eating. I look at my features and pin point certain bits that don’t match my own ‘image.’ I tear myself up piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. And I go back to being a ‘nothingness’ again.

Maybe I put myself down too much. But it’s better than anyone else seeing me like this. I am a generally positive person. I laugh. I joke. I occasionally come out with the most wacky things, because I have a weird sort of personality. Most of the time I embrace being me. I embrace my flaws, and my big thighs, puffy hair and completely dodgy eyes. I embrace my fun personality, and how much I lack common sense. But that’s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I need to remind myself that I’m not going to be perfect, never mind be just that for someone else.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Me & my life

Why I don’t want children… and that’s okay

By on July 15, 2017

My personal preference of not wanting children… it’s something in which has been playing on my mind recently and which I wanted to address in a rambled blog post. Because the fact is, I don’t want children. Not out of ignorance, hatred, not due to my ‘Feminist’ beliefs- but because I have a choice, and I choose that I do not see a future with children.

Granted, I am only 18 years old and I may end up changing my views in a few years, but that’s not the point. Because I shouldn’t have to justify what I want with my own body, or why I don’t want children. I’m simply not a child orientated person. There is not a rule that states we should all have children, so choosing not to is okay.

One thing I get told countless times is, “Oh you’ll change your mind” or, “You’re so ungrateful because some people can’t physically carry children.” I think both of these speak volumes of ignorance. Because no one can tell me what I can or can’t do with my life, nor can they try to guilt trip me into something that I want with my own body. There seems to be a lot of pressure on presuming that all women should have children- whereas men are allowed to have the choice.

The bottom line is that I don’t want children because I am free to make that choice. It has never been something I have pictured in my future, and it’s okay to want children… just like it’s also okay to not want them. There are so many forms of contraception out there that, that choice is available to women and men. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your own future, life, or body.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Blogging | General blog posts | Me & my life

Blogging: One year on

By on July 9, 2017

I never in a million years thought I would ever be able to have said that I have been blogging for one whole year, yet here we are. Considering the fact that I initially started my blog to get over a break-up and to find peace within myself, I am incredibly proud of how much my little space on the internet has grown into my own.

I remember sitting at my old computer at 10pm at night writing a whole rambling blog post about relationships, and hurt, and anything that managed to pour out of that head of mine that night. I remember thinking, ‘you know what, I’ll probably write one blog post and forget about this’…. and I didn’t. 365 days later and I’m still writing.

As much as a lot of Bloggers say this, I genuinely never thought anyone would read anything I published on here. I never imagined people to interact with me as a person, or read one of my blog posts and be like, ‘you know what? I agree with her.’ It’s because of blogging that I have grown in confidence, and as a person (ok, I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s true).

I have never really had a ‘hobby’ as such that I’ve managed to stick at. I’ve always loved writing and ‘producing content,’ but never as much as I have this past year. It’s been such a whirlwind of an experience, and I can proudly say that, despite the lack of inspiration at times and wanting to give up, I actually enjoy blogging as a hobby. Because it’s a lot more than ‘being sent free stuff to review,’ or ‘sponsored posts,’ it’s something I genuinely love and vibe off. Note: if you’re thinking about blogging, don’t do it for the wrong reasons. Blog because you have a passion for the content you create, and you will love it a whole lot more.

And finally, I would like to dedicate this blog post to one of the most amazing, inspiring and strong people I have ever met- Em. If you don’t know Em, she was a blogger who I am proud to also call one of my friends. Because the thing about blogging is that you are part of a community full of real people, with real lives, and real feelings. Em courageously battled cancer for years before sadly passing away a couple of weeks ago, so I wanted to dedicate this blog post in her memory- because Blogging allowed me to meet Em and call her a friend. It’s a lot bigger than I ever  imagined it to be.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who has ever taken the time to read any of my blog posts, or supported my blog in any way. I am so humbled and grateful… and still find it incredibly crazy (in a good way, of course).

Here’s to another year of rambling blog posts, kicking anxieties ass, and writing about my favourite things.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

The meaning behind my new tattoo

By on July 5, 2017

EEP!

I feel like it has been so long coming, and I have been waiting to write another blog post like this for the longest time… but I finally got a new tattoo! If anyone has followed me or my blog for some time, you will know that I am no stranger to having tattoos. I have another one on my wrist which is a semi-colon and represents my battle with mental health (you can read my post about it here). But after much thought, I finally decided what I wanted my next tattoo to be, and I finally was able to get it last Friday.

If you have read my post regarding the Manchester attack last month, or my ‘One Love’ concert experience, you will know that I wrote about my experiences of being at both and how I have dealt with what happened that night. After the attack, I noticed that a lot of people opted for the ‘workers bee’ tattoo, or alternatively, the Manchester attack memorial ribbon which floated round the internet the day after the attack.

Initially, I didn’t want either tattoo as I didn’t want to have something permanently inked on my body which reminded me of the horror of that night. As much as I wanted to get something which remembered the victims of the tragedy, I also didn’t want to get a tattoo referring to it especially for the wrong reasons.

However, after attending Ariana’s ‘One Love’ concert at the beginning of June, I suddenly saw a different side to the tragedy. As awful, upsetting, and horrific as it was, I came to the realisation that love really does conquer hate. As I was standing there at the concert, I felt a sense of unity, courage, inspiration and strength; and this is exactly what drew me to getting the Manchester memorial ribbon tattoo.

My tattoo doesn’t represent the tragedy as such- but is a remembrance for those whose lives were cruelly taken that night. Who, like me, just went to an Ariana concert to see their favourite artist perform and have a good time. My tattoo is a reminder that love wins, and is a lot bigger than hate. A reminder of strength, unity, courage, and inspiration.

Because we should fight evil with love, not evil with evil.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

A day at “One Love Manchester”

By on June 11, 2017

After the devastating attacks in Manchester later on last month, a question I continuously got asked was if, and when, I was going to branch out and go to another concert. I love concerts, and I love being able to go and enjoy music with a bunch of other people who love the same thing as me. I just didn’t know when the time was right for me to get back into the whole ‘concert’ vibe again.

However, the perfect opportunity came along when Ariana announced her “One Love Manchester” concert only a week or so after the initial attack. As I was at the original Ariana concert, I was able to get free tickets, and as Ariana is my favourite artist, I couldn’t miss a chance to take this opportunity.

Fast forward to the concert, and I can honestly say it was one of the best, positive, and most humbling nights of my life full of such love and inspiration. I don’t think I have ever experienced a concert which was full of such positive light, and I still don’t think I am over it almost a week later.

As great as the acts that performed where, the concert also showed something bigger and more important. It was proof that, as cliche as it may sound, love does win. This was a concert full of 50,000 complete strangers who all came together to conquer hate. To prove that we really are united- and it was a wonderful feeling to be part of.

As much as I love Ariana, and as much as I don’t want to be biased, I think it also needs to be mentioned how strong and inspiring she was last Sunday. After the attack, I spent a lot of time stuck in a mindset of complete confusion and sadness. I couldn’t understand what I needed to do in order to try to at least heal. Like many other people who were there on the Monday night, the “One Love” concert also demonstrated a sense of healing and closure. Ariana brought everyone together for the good of the country, and certainly made something utterly negative and tragic into an event of such love and togetherness.

I think the best thing about the whole experience is that it was a concert like nothing I have ever been to before. It was a celebration of music and love in a different, yet positive, sort of sense. I don’t think anything can even come close to the feeling of pure happiness and overwhelming emotion I felt last Sunday. And I think that’s what made it so special.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

Why the Manchester attack has made me view life differently

By on May 24, 2017

For the past 24 hours or so, I have been debating over whether or not to post a blog post about Monday night, or to just leave it. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot about Monday, how fortunate I am to still be able to hug my loved one’s, and how you really don’t know what’s around the corner. Cliche, I know.

If you follow most of my social media accounts, you may be aware that I was there on Monday night. You may also be aware that when it comes to Ariana Grande, I am such a dedicated fan and have been for 5 years now. A concert is a place of such positivity, love, and excitement. The whole idea of being in the same room as your favourite artist and connecting to their music live is one of the things I love most about concerts.

However, I don’t want Monday to deter from that experience. It was a surreal kind of night, which ended in a way that I never imagined. You see, these things seem to happen all the time, and you never think that you will ever get caught up in it. I don’t want to make this seem like a cliche, but I also wanted to right about how I feel while everything is just sinking in. Because the fact is, I never knew what was happening. Or what the noise was, or why everyone suddenly started running. I don’t understand how a night of such happiness and positivity, turned into the events that occurred.

No one can tell you how to feel, or what you’re feeling. No one can prepare you for the shock that comes afterwards, or the utter confusion as to why things like this happen. I feel pressured on how to feel, constantly being asked when I simply don’t know. I can’t put my emotions into words, and I am failing to get this all round in my head. “If you weren’t injured, then why are you upset?” You can’t natural human emotions, and you can’t tell me how to feel. If you aren’t in my mind, you can’t make my mind up for me.

However, I want to reflect upon the feelings of utter gratitude and positive emotion. I am constantly seeing people reflect upon Monday’s events and saying, “It makes me realise not to take anything for granted,” and that couldn’t be more accurate. I feel an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for life, and although I have always been one to make the most of every little thing, it has really hit home. How the people around me who care about me really are a blessing. How I possibly spent so much time worrying about things; when everything I need is right here.

My sincere heart goes out to everyone else there that night. From the injured, to the missing, to the victims. To the people who stopped to look after me as I was on my own. To the woman who offered to walk me to the train station. To the worker in McDonald’s who offered to charge my phone in the staffroom while I was in complete shock and needed to contact my mum. To the taxi driver who took me home while I was stranded in Manchester and bought me food and water as I hadn’t really eaten. To the off duty paramedic who offered his services to the wounded. In a night of such negativity, I also saw so much positive love and compassion. That people really do stand together, and that life truly is precious.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | relationships

Foreign concepts

By on May 17, 2017

I have recently become so wrapped up in my emotions at the moment to the point where I find it hard to get myself out of them. The kind of overthinking that leads you to believe that maybe you’re not good enough, or you’re not ‘pretty’ enough, or that the whole concept of someone loving you must be completely bizarre and foreign.

Being wrapped up in your emotions can also lead to confusion. I hate it when people’s perception of me or past experiences influence on the way I see myself. I don’t like being alienated by another person who clearly isn’t worthy of being or belonging in my life. But sometimes I fall into that trap. I look at myself and fail to recognise who I am. I want to be strong, and deep down I am strong; but occasionally I loose faith in that part of myself.

I have mentioned this time and time again on here, but I cannot express enough how much I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t talk to many people with the fear of getting hurt. Upon reflecting on a recent encounter, I suddenly realised how terrified I am of letting myself give my all to someone. Someone can take every part of you, and in an instant destroy you. You can finally let your walls down, for them to make you realise why you keep them up in the first place and that petrifies me to the core.

I don’t normally admit when I like someone, nor do I like giving in to my emotions. I am naturally stubborn, and I naturally have that ‘if you don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to you’ attitude. But occasionally, just occasionally, someone can come along which makes everything seem worthwhile. For you to think, ‘maybe they are worth a shot.’ Until you realise why you don’t take shots in the first place- and you go back to square one again. Trying to find happiness, independence and comfort in your own single circle.

I guess the whole point of this post is to confess to myself that I am really feeling what I’m feeling. I’ve been in denial for a long time that my past experiences haven’t played a part on my current emotions, when in reality they have and it’s scary. Maybe not being loved is my own foreign concept- as much as I like to deny the fact that’s not what I want in life… but when it comes down to it, we all long to be loved. It petrifies me that someone may not see me for who I am and like that. I’m dorky. I say weird shit sometimes. I’m loud. I have the worst laugh on earth. My eyes squint a lot and my stomach has a weird ass stitch going up it. Accepting my flaws has become one way in which I have learnt to accept myself… but sometimes, just sometimes, someone else accepting those small and quirky qualities is a bonus too.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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