Me & my life | relationships

A chatty post / relationships and apologies

By on September 28, 2017

Don’t ask me why I’m writing this at eleven o’clock at night, not even I’m entirely sure, but hey ho; here I am. In times of confusion when I can’t work out my feelings, or what is right or wrong for me, I normally take to writing to just splurge everything and hope for the best. And that’s kind of what this is.

I have never been good with ‘romantic’ relationships. Perusing them, sticking to them, that kind of thing. I’ve never been good with having feelings, and admitting to those feelings. I don’t know if that’s because I subconsciously see it as a sign of weakness, or if I am just so confused in everything that goes on in my brain that I simply don’t know. And that’s what this is. A state of confusion. And then realisation.

Something came over me today, and it’s something that I have been hiding from myself for a while. A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year and a half. I’ve lost contact with friends who I thought I would be friends with for life, I’ve dealt with a break-up (you’ve seen all the blog posts, if you know… you know), and I’ve become friends with people who I never imagined to be friends with a year ago. But just because you don’t see people as often, or just because certain people in your life aren’t around anymore; it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them.

I’m the sort of person who doesn’t live in a cloud of hatred, I just couldn’t. No matter how toxic you were to me, or no matter how upset you made me; I can’t ever hate anyone, because it’s simply not in my persona. It’s coming to the realisation that you can still love people, but it doesn’t mean that you need them in your life. No matter if that’s friends, family, or exes. Whatever. Are you still on track with how I’m thinking? Good.

Now onto my next point. Apologies. I don’t know if it’s because I live my life with the mindset of forgiveness and not holding onto grudges, but I feel so gullible when it comes to this. Or at least used to. I’ve had a long think with myself. Over how many apologies I’ve been issued, and over how many actually were genuine. If you apologise, and then continue to hurt, mock, not live up to your promises, then I’d rather you just never said anything at all. I’ve decided now that apologies are accepted, when they are lived up to. I can’t deal with anymore lies, and quite frankly; I won’t let my mind take it anymore. Either you apologise and grow, or you don’t apologise at all.

I’m sick of lying to myself regarding feelings. As much as I try to tell myself I don’t want one, I feel mentally ready for a relationship; yet I push anyone away who comes close. And maybe that’s my problem. I shouldn’t be so scared to open my heart up to people who are willing to do the same, and I certainly shouldn’t be scared of letting anyone to get to know me for once. I’ve always been me, and I always will be. It just takes one person to accept, love, and cherish that just like I’ve done to someone before.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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body positivity | Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

Why I’m single

By on August 20, 2017

I don’t know how to start this post in all honesty, so I’m just going to go ahead and do what I do best. Ramble.

I have written a lot of relationship themed posts on here, but nothing like this one. It’s no secret that I spend my life, thinking… and then over-thinking; and tonight was one of those nights. I managed to come to some sort of conclusion as to why I don’t like getting into relationships, seeking relationships, or even speaking to anyone. I simply don’t feel good enough, and I’ll explain why.

Getting into a relationship with someone who has mental health issues is tough, i’ll be first to admit that. And I’m a handful. Despite the fact that I am generally a happy, bubbly and a cheerful person with the most dorky personality- sometimes I can get very sad. Sometimes I can tear into myself. And it’s not fair on anyone else.

I often look back on my days and think, “Did I do that right,” or, “What if I caused more harm than good?” I want to be a positive influence, and a source of change, somehow, but I feel like I’m doing the opposite.

I’ve been in a lot of toxic relationships, including friendships in general. Someone seeing the vulnerable side to me genuinely frightens me, but it’s there. It’s a part of me, yet it doesn’t define me as a person. No, I’m not sad all the time. No I’m not self-conscious all the time. But there’s time’s like this where I am, and I can be.

For years, I’ve struggled with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my own body. I occasionally see myself as a nothingness, I have no unique or ‘stand out’ features. I don’t fit in with the stereotypical idea of beauty, neither do I fit in with the quirky styles of beauty. I occasionally eat, and then regret eating. I look at my features and pin point certain bits that don’t match my own ‘image.’ I tear myself up piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. And I go back to being a ‘nothingness’ again.

Maybe I put myself down too much. But it’s better than anyone else seeing me like this. I am a generally positive person. I laugh. I joke. I occasionally come out with the most wacky things, because I have a weird sort of personality. Most of the time I embrace being me. I embrace my flaws, and my big thighs, puffy hair and completely dodgy eyes. I embrace my fun personality, and how much I lack common sense. But that’s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I need to remind myself that I’m not going to be perfect, never mind be just that for someone else.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Me & my life

Why I don’t want children… and that’s okay

By on July 15, 2017

My personal preference of not wanting children… it’s something in which has been playing on my mind recently and which I wanted to address in a rambled blog post. Because the fact is, I don’t want children. Not out of ignorance, hatred, not due to my ‘Feminist’ beliefs- but because I have a choice, and I choose that I do not see a future with children.

Granted, I am only 18 years old and I may end up changing my views in a few years, but that’s not the point. Because I shouldn’t have to justify what I want with my own body, or why I don’t want children. I’m simply not a child orientated person. There is not a rule that states we should all have children, so choosing not to is okay.

One thing I get told countless times is, “Oh you’ll change your mind” or, “You’re so ungrateful because some people can’t physically carry children.” I think both of these speak volumes of ignorance. Because no one can tell me what I can or can’t do with my life, nor can they try to guilt trip me into something that I want with my own body. There seems to be a lot of pressure on presuming that all women should have children- whereas men are allowed to have the choice.

The bottom line is that I don’t want children because I am free to make that choice. It has never been something I have pictured in my future, and it’s okay to want children… just like it’s also okay to not want them. There are so many forms of contraception out there that, that choice is available to women and men. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your own future, life, or body.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Blogging | General blog posts | Me & my life

Blogging: One year on

By on July 9, 2017

I never in a million years thought I would ever be able to have said that I have been blogging for one whole year, yet here we are. Considering the fact that I initially started my blog to get over a break-up and to find peace within myself, I am incredibly proud of how much my little space on the internet has grown into my own.

I remember sitting at my old computer at 10pm at night writing a whole rambling blog post about relationships, and hurt, and anything that managed to pour out of that head of mine that night. I remember thinking, ‘you know what, I’ll probably write one blog post and forget about this’…. and I didn’t. 365 days later and I’m still writing.

As much as a lot of Bloggers say this, I genuinely never thought anyone would read anything I published on here. I never imagined people to interact with me as a person, or read one of my blog posts and be like, ‘you know what? I agree with her.’ It’s because of blogging that I have grown in confidence, and as a person (ok, I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s true).

I have never really had a ‘hobby’ as such that I’ve managed to stick at. I’ve always loved writing and ‘producing content,’ but never as much as I have this past year. It’s been such a whirlwind of an experience, and I can proudly say that, despite the lack of inspiration at times and wanting to give up, I actually enjoy blogging as a hobby. Because it’s a lot more than ‘being sent free stuff to review,’ or ‘sponsored posts,’ it’s something I genuinely love and vibe off. Note: if you’re thinking about blogging, don’t do it for the wrong reasons. Blog because you have a passion for the content you create, and you will love it a whole lot more.

And finally, I would like to dedicate this blog post to one of the most amazing, inspiring and strong people I have ever met- Em. If you don’t know Em, she was a blogger who I am proud to also call one of my friends. Because the thing about blogging is that you are part of a community full of real people, with real lives, and real feelings. Em courageously battled cancer for years before sadly passing away a couple of weeks ago, so I wanted to dedicate this blog post in her memory- because Blogging allowed me to meet Em and call her a friend. It’s a lot bigger than I ever  imagined it to be.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who has ever taken the time to read any of my blog posts, or supported my blog in any way. I am so humbled and grateful… and still find it incredibly crazy (in a good way, of course).

Here’s to another year of rambling blog posts, kicking anxieties ass, and writing about my favourite things.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

The meaning behind my new tattoo

By on July 5, 2017

EEP!

I feel like it has been so long coming, and I have been waiting to write another blog post like this for the longest time… but I finally got a new tattoo! If anyone has followed me or my blog for some time, you will know that I am no stranger to having tattoos. I have another one on my wrist which is a semi-colon and represents my battle with mental health (you can read my post about it here). But after much thought, I finally decided what I wanted my next tattoo to be, and I finally was able to get it last Friday.

If you have read my post regarding the Manchester attack last month, or my ‘One Love’ concert experience, you will know that I wrote about my experiences of being at both and how I have dealt with what happened that night. After the attack, I noticed that a lot of people opted for the ‘workers bee’ tattoo, or alternatively, the Manchester attack memorial ribbon which floated round the internet the day after the attack.

Initially, I didn’t want either tattoo as I didn’t want to have something permanently inked on my body which reminded me of the horror of that night. As much as I wanted to get something which remembered the victims of the tragedy, I also didn’t want to get a tattoo referring to it especially for the wrong reasons.

However, after attending Ariana’s ‘One Love’ concert at the beginning of June, I suddenly saw a different side to the tragedy. As awful, upsetting, and horrific as it was, I came to the realisation that love really does conquer hate. As I was standing there at the concert, I felt a sense of unity, courage, inspiration and strength; and this is exactly what drew me to getting the Manchester memorial ribbon tattoo.

My tattoo doesn’t represent the tragedy as such- but is a remembrance for those whose lives were cruelly taken that night. Who, like me, just went to an Ariana concert to see their favourite artist perform and have a good time. My tattoo is a reminder that love wins, and is a lot bigger than hate. A reminder of strength, unity, courage, and inspiration.

Because we should fight evil with love, not evil with evil.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

A day at “One Love Manchester”

By on June 11, 2017

After the devastating attacks in Manchester later on last month, a question I continuously got asked was if, and when, I was going to branch out and go to another concert. I love concerts, and I love being able to go and enjoy music with a bunch of other people who love the same thing as me. I just didn’t know when the time was right for me to get back into the whole ‘concert’ vibe again.

However, the perfect opportunity came along when Ariana announced her “One Love Manchester” concert only a week or so after the initial attack. As I was at the original Ariana concert, I was able to get free tickets, and as Ariana is my favourite artist, I couldn’t miss a chance to take this opportunity.

Fast forward to the concert, and I can honestly say it was one of the best, positive, and most humbling nights of my life full of such love and inspiration. I don’t think I have ever experienced a concert which was full of such positive light, and I still don’t think I am over it almost a week later.

As great as the acts that performed where, the concert also showed something bigger and more important. It was proof that, as cliche as it may sound, love does win. This was a concert full of 50,000 complete strangers who all came together to conquer hate. To prove that we really are united- and it was a wonderful feeling to be part of.

As much as I love Ariana, and as much as I don’t want to be biased, I think it also needs to be mentioned how strong and inspiring she was last Sunday. After the attack, I spent a lot of time stuck in a mindset of complete confusion and sadness. I couldn’t understand what I needed to do in order to try to at least heal. Like many other people who were there on the Monday night, the “One Love” concert also demonstrated a sense of healing and closure. Ariana brought everyone together for the good of the country, and certainly made something utterly negative and tragic into an event of such love and togetherness.

I think the best thing about the whole experience is that it was a concert like nothing I have ever been to before. It was a celebration of music and love in a different, yet positive, sort of sense. I don’t think anything can even come close to the feeling of pure happiness and overwhelming emotion I felt last Sunday. And I think that’s what made it so special.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

Why the Manchester attack has made me view life differently

By on May 24, 2017

For the past 24 hours or so, I have been debating over whether or not to post a blog post about Monday night, or to just leave it. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot about Monday, how fortunate I am to still be able to hug my loved one’s, and how you really don’t know what’s around the corner. Cliche, I know.

If you follow most of my social media accounts, you may be aware that I was there on Monday night. You may also be aware that when it comes to Ariana Grande, I am such a dedicated fan and have been for 5 years now. A concert is a place of such positivity, love, and excitement. The whole idea of being in the same room as your favourite artist and connecting to their music live is one of the things I love most about concerts.

However, I don’t want Monday to deter from that experience. It was a surreal kind of night, which ended in a way that I never imagined. You see, these things seem to happen all the time, and you never think that you will ever get caught up in it. I don’t want to make this seem like a cliche, but I also wanted to right about how I feel while everything is just sinking in. Because the fact is, I never knew what was happening. Or what the noise was, or why everyone suddenly started running. I don’t understand how a night of such happiness and positivity, turned into the events that occurred.

No one can tell you how to feel, or what you’re feeling. No one can prepare you for the shock that comes afterwards, or the utter confusion as to why things like this happen. I feel pressured on how to feel, constantly being asked when I simply don’t know. I can’t put my emotions into words, and I am failing to get this all round in my head. “If you weren’t injured, then why are you upset?” You can’t natural human emotions, and you can’t tell me how to feel. If you aren’t in my mind, you can’t make my mind up for me.

However, I want to reflect upon the feelings of utter gratitude and positive emotion. I am constantly seeing people reflect upon Monday’s events and saying, “It makes me realise not to take anything for granted,” and that couldn’t be more accurate. I feel an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for life, and although I have always been one to make the most of every little thing, it has really hit home. How the people around me who care about me really are a blessing. How I possibly spent so much time worrying about things; when everything I need is right here.

My sincere heart goes out to everyone else there that night. From the injured, to the missing, to the victims. To the people who stopped to look after me as I was on my own. To the woman who offered to walk me to the train station. To the worker in McDonald’s who offered to charge my phone in the staffroom while I was in complete shock and needed to contact my mum. To the taxi driver who took me home while I was stranded in Manchester and bought me food and water as I hadn’t really eaten. To the off duty paramedic who offered his services to the wounded. In a night of such negativity, I also saw so much positive love and compassion. That people really do stand together, and that life truly is precious.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | relationships

Foreign concepts

By on May 17, 2017

I have recently become so wrapped up in my emotions at the moment to the point where I find it hard to get myself out of them. The kind of overthinking that leads you to believe that maybe you’re not good enough, or you’re not ‘pretty’ enough, or that the whole concept of someone loving you must be completely bizarre and foreign.

Being wrapped up in your emotions can also lead to confusion. I hate it when people’s perception of me or past experiences influence on the way I see myself. I don’t like being alienated by another person who clearly isn’t worthy of being or belonging in my life. But sometimes I fall into that trap. I look at myself and fail to recognise who I am. I want to be strong, and deep down I am strong; but occasionally I loose faith in that part of myself.

I have mentioned this time and time again on here, but I cannot express enough how much I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t talk to many people with the fear of getting hurt. Upon reflecting on a recent encounter, I suddenly realised how terrified I am of letting myself give my all to someone. Someone can take every part of you, and in an instant destroy you. You can finally let your walls down, for them to make you realise why you keep them up in the first place and that petrifies me to the core.

I don’t normally admit when I like someone, nor do I like giving in to my emotions. I am naturally stubborn, and I naturally have that ‘if you don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to you’ attitude. But occasionally, just occasionally, someone can come along which makes everything seem worthwhile. For you to think, ‘maybe they are worth a shot.’ Until you realise why you don’t take shots in the first place- and you go back to square one again. Trying to find happiness, independence and comfort in your own single circle.

I guess the whole point of this post is to confess to myself that I am really feeling what I’m feeling. I’ve been in denial for a long time that my past experiences haven’t played a part on my current emotions, when in reality they have and it’s scary. Maybe not being loved is my own foreign concept- as much as I like to deny the fact that’s not what I want in life… but when it comes down to it, we all long to be loved. It petrifies me that someone may not see me for who I am and like that. I’m dorky. I say weird shit sometimes. I’m loud. I have the worst laugh on earth. My eyes squint a lot and my stomach has a weird ass stitch going up it. Accepting my flaws has become one way in which I have learnt to accept myself… but sometimes, just sometimes, someone else accepting those small and quirky qualities is a bonus too.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life

Lots of summer vibes…

By on May 13, 2017

Like half of the UK right now, I start getting excited over a little bit of sun and longing for summer to begin. What tops is off, is that Paramore’s new album seems to be giving me those summer vibes that we all love when it comes to music- and I’m basically in a ‘summer’ mood (hence this blog post). Oh, and you should totally check out Paramore’s new album if you haven’t already.

I spent a lot of last summer coming to terms with a recent break-up, and just trying to find myself in general. It seems like last summer was a bit of a blur, which is probably why I am so excited for change this summer- full of positive vibes, people, and memories.

It’s 2017 and I am aware like me, a lot of you reading this right now probably have an endless bucket list full of stuff you want to achieve and do this summer. However, this summer I have an extreme feeling of wanderlust and the excitement of travelling and exploring in general.

This summer, I want to push myself to do things and go places that I’ve never been to before. For example, one big thing that I want to do this summer is go to Glasgow and explore the city (I hear it’s an amazing city, so let me know your own experiences). I also want to find my independence again and go on spontaneous trips and take pictures and just soak up ‘life’ for what it is.

Summer is for getting out, stepping out of your comfort zone and exploring. Whether that’s on my own, or with a partner. Summer is for beaches, and tans (although, I’m so pale that I don’t tan). Here’s to this summer, and here’s to trying new things that I haven’t tried before.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Me & my life | Uncategorized

Relationships: An update

By on April 19, 2017


Okay, maybe I should’ve renamed the title ‘an update of my single life,’ but why not throw in a bit of imagination… right?

The fact is, yes I’m still single, and yes I’m still happy blogging about it. But I’ve recently been thinking about how I deal with being single, rather than how it feels.

I’m one of those’ singles who actually likes it. I like my alone time as it is, so being single is like second nature to me. No, that’s not sarcastic as much as it sounded. Rather, I find it rewarding. A way in which I can find out more about myself, before anyone else finds out those parts of me. A space for me to grow, before I have the opportunity to grow with someone else.

But how do I deal with being single? Honestly, not very well. I’m ‘that’ single (yes, I used that phrase again), that would rather act like they don’t care. Someone of the opposite sex showing any type of interest in me? I shut them off. Someone of the opposite sex tries to make effort with me? I shut them off even more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stubborn, afraid of feelings, would rather be ‘sassy’ like I don’t care; or a mix of all three.

I don’t know if I’ve developed feelings for anyone anymore because I am so used to getting let down. I hate letting my walls down for someone, so I simply don’t do it anymore. I make life hard work, for myself and for the other person, that in the end it just simply isn’t worth it. I’m too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and really don’t take feelings or anything seriously anymore. That may have something to do with past experiences (*cough, cough*), but hey, my life motto at the moment seems to go something like, “Who knows?”

When the right person comes along, and puts up with my stubborn behaviour, then great. Maybe it’s meant to be. Maybe I’m playing a game that isn’t fair, or maybe I’m simply playing myself out of potential relationships. Who knows? I guess I’ll update you if anything interesting happens; but until then, here’s to being stubborn and being single. Maybe I’ll change one day for someone who deserves it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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