body positivity | Empowerment | General blog posts | Me & my life | Mental health | relationships

Why I’m single

August 20, 2017

I don’t know how to start this post in all honesty, so I’m just going to go ahead and do what I do best. Ramble.

I have written a lot of relationship themed posts on here, but nothing like this one. It’s no secret that I spend my life, thinking… and then over-thinking; and tonight was one of those nights. I managed to come to some sort of conclusion as to why I don’t like getting into relationships, seeking relationships, or even speaking to anyone. I simply don’t feel good enough, and I’ll explain why.

Getting into a relationship with someone who has mental health issues is tough, i’ll be first to admit that. And I’m a handful. Despite the fact that I am generally a happy, bubbly and a cheerful person with the most dorky personality- sometimes I can get very sad. Sometimes I can tear into myself. And it’s not fair on anyone else.

I often look back on my days and think, “Did I do that right,” or, “What if I caused more harm than good?” I want to be a positive influence, and a source of change, somehow, but I feel like I’m doing the opposite.

I’ve been in a lot of toxic relationships, including friendships in general. Someone seeing the vulnerable side to me genuinely frightens me, but it’s there. It’s a part of me, yet it doesn’t define me as a person. No, I’m not sad all the time. No I’m not self-conscious all the time. But there’s time’s like this where I am, and I can be.

For years, I’ve struggled with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my own body. I occasionally see myself as a nothingness, I have no unique or ‘stand out’ features. I don’t fit in with the stereotypical idea of beauty, neither do I fit in with the quirky styles of beauty. I occasionally eat, and then regret eating. I look at my features and pin point certain bits that don’t match my own ‘image.’ I tear myself up piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. And I go back to being a ‘nothingness’ again.

Maybe I put myself down too much. But it’s better than anyone else seeing me like this. I am a generally positive person. I laugh. I joke. I occasionally come out with the most wacky things, because I have a weird sort of personality. Most of the time I embrace being me. I embrace my flaws, and my big thighs, puffy hair and completely dodgy eyes. I embrace my fun personality, and how much I lack common sense. But that’s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I need to remind myself that I’m not going to be perfect, never mind be just that for someone else.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

  1. I’m pretty sure I felt the same at 18. I was a disaster. Like, a downright disaster. I was depressed. I cut myself. I was suicidal. I drank too much. I smoked too much. I cried too much. Thankfully, I continued to work my ass off in school and continued on the right path with personal goals. I’m not sure what kept me motivated to do well in school when I didn’t even want to be alive for it, but I did. I was totally crazy. I called my exes nonstop. I drove by their houses. I was just a serious mess. And then I deployed and it “forced” me to be single and to be away from those relationships. It forced me to grow. I also met my husband during that time (I was 22 then, I’m 31 now). I was already on the right path when I met him. I think being with the right person can help. Though we had breakups and I had times where I fell back into depression over the years, I feel like I grew out of it. I got myself under control. I learned how to cope. I learned how to pull myself back up much quicker than I could in my younger days. I learned how to actually stay positive. I had a good man in my life. It just got easier. You also just let those toxic people go and stop wasting time as you get older too. Or at least, you should. You seem introspective, so I’m sure as you sort through life, everything will fall into place how it should. But it’s good to be single. It’s good to STAY single. Even now, my single days were some of the most fun days of my life (though I probably wouldn’t trade them now!).

  2. When I was 18, I just got out of a relationship from my high school sweetheart and it was probably the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I did not enjoy the relationship anymore, and I ultimately didn’t love the boy anymore and didn’t want to pretend I did or force myself to. Leaving that relationship allowed me to explore, learn more about myself, meet new people and gain a whole new level of confidence.

    I’m in a nice loving relationship right now but being single is soooo much better than a toxic relationship or forcing a relationship onto yourself.

    18 is still so young and good on your for discovering yourself now!

  3. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Everyone goes through their awkward phase trust me. When I was 18 and growing up, I was a mess. My parents were fighting constantly, I was in a household with 7 brothers/sisters, fighting all the time. We didn’t have a lot of money, I was a sad, confused, low self-esteem teenager. Went to college, partied my ass off, dropped all my classes. Failed relationships, lost jobs, etc. that was 10 years ago. Now I have a good job, love life, single and travel the world. It’s part of life sweetie. Keep your head up 😊

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