Me & my life | relationships

Foreign concepts

May 17, 2017

I have recently become so wrapped up in my emotions at the moment to the point where I find it hard to get myself out of them. The kind of overthinking that leads you to believe that maybe you’re not good enough, or you’re not ‘pretty’ enough, or that the whole concept of someone loving you must be completely bizarre and foreign.

Being wrapped up in your emotions can also lead to confusion. I hate it when people’s perception of me or past experiences influence on the way I see myself. I don’t like being alienated by another person who clearly isn’t worthy of being or belonging in my life. But sometimes I fall into that trap. I look at myself and fail to recognise who I am. I want to be strong, and deep down I am strong; but occasionally I loose faith in that part of myself.

I have mentioned this time and time again on here, but I cannot express enough how much I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t talk to many people with the fear of getting hurt. Upon reflecting on a recent encounter, I suddenly realised how terrified I am of letting myself give my all to someone. Someone can take every part of you, and in an instant destroy you. You can finally let your walls down, for them to make you realise why you keep them up in the first place and that petrifies me to the core.

I don’t normally admit when I like someone, nor do I like giving in to my emotions. I am naturally stubborn, and I naturally have that ‘if you don’t want to talk to me, then I don’t want to talk to you’ attitude. But occasionally, just occasionally, someone can come along which makes everything seem worthwhile. For you to think, ‘maybe they are worth a shot.’ Until you realise why you don’t take shots in the first place- and you go back to square one again. Trying to find happiness, independence and comfort in your own single circle.

I guess the whole point of this post is to confess to myself that I am really feeling what I’m feeling. I’ve been in denial for a long time that my past experiences haven’t played a part on my current emotions, when in reality they have and it’s scary. Maybe not being loved is my own foreign concept- as much as I like to deny the fact that’s not what I want in life… but when it comes down to it, we all long to be loved. It petrifies me that someone may not see me for who I am and like that. I’m dorky. I say weird shit sometimes. I’m loud. I have the worst laugh on earth. My eyes squint a lot and my stomach has a weird ass stitch going up it. Accepting my flaws has become one way in which I have learnt to accept myself… but sometimes, just sometimes, someone else accepting those small and quirky qualities is a bonus too.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

  1. Love this Becca x I’m very similar to you in the boy depeartment, haha. I’m rather stubborn, but I just won’t accept anything less than I deserve. I put it down to how the male figures in my life treat me so well x

    Loved reading this.
    Keep smiling xxx

  2. I absolutely love you. You’re always so real and it’s SO RELATABLE. I hope you find someone worth opening up to because you’re fucking brilliant, doll. Also – irrelevant but did you change your blog layout? It looks so professional and lovely!

    mia //

  3. Really lovely post, I was very much the same, I would NEVER start a conversation with a boy as I felt if they wanted to talk me they would have already. I have bad memories of when I did start talking to boys that they just thought I was annoying and I got a lot of stick for it. However, when I finally plucked up the courage to talk to a boy first again because he sparked an interest, it went well – lets just say we have now been in a relationship for about 3 and a half years – mad.
    Don’t doubt yourself, it’s cliché to say but when you least expect it, someone will come along – it really is true. Loving yourself is something I struggled with too but no matter how dorky you think you are there is someone out there that will love that about you.
    Oh jeez – sorry for the paragraph of a comment but if you ever need a talk I’m happy to listen!

    Tab x

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