So I have a confession, yes a confession. Who I am is something which I reflect upon a lot and is something I’ve alluded to in a lot of my previous blog posts. Honestly, I seem to beat myself up for who I am all the time, and it’s not fair on myself. Rather, I should just learn to embrace my quirkiness and not give myself such a hard time constantly.
I’m the sort of person that is naturally annoying. I really dislike that about myself, and get so incredibly paranoid over ‘being annoying’ and ‘unwanted.’ I think it’s because I constantly got told it all the time at one particular stage in my life, and it’s just stuck with me. Regardless of what anyone else says, I still believe I am the most annoying person on this planet…. but hey ho we all move on.
I’m the sort of person who would stay up until 2am to check you were okay. The sort of person who puts their own self on the line for the benefit of others. I guess that can be a bad thing for my own mental health, but regardless I like to put others first.
I’m the sort of person who thinks too much about the world, and life in general. That’s mainly why I created my blog. I’m an avid thinker. I spend my life thinking, reflecting learning. I write about my thoughts as a way to express everything that’s going on rapidly in my brain. I think about my friends, who I’ve loved, who I’ve lost. The past, the present, the future. People’s perceptions of me, my perception of myself, everything you can think of.
I’m the sort of person who hurts immensely at the idea of loss. As someone who thrives off surrounding herself with people, it suddenly hits me when someone leaves my life. I honestly don’t take it well, and I’ll probably continue to think about particular losses of my life in years to come. I suddenly think that loss is a reflection of who I am, and what everyone dislikes in me.
I’m the sort of person who would write about you. Yes, I have a notebook full of about fifty irrelevant poems which shapes whatever is floating round in my head at the time. Love, loss, heartbreak, and back to love again. My ‘journal’ and poems are a collection of me. A collection of everything I can’t express verbally so I write it in the form of poetry. There are so many poems I wish that I could send to whoever they’re about, or publish in general, but I probably never will. Nevertheless, it’s how I heal and it works.
I’m the sort of person who gets so wrapped up in things, and if I’m passionate about something; oh gosh, I’m passionate. For example, music. I could sit and talk for hours about how each chord and backing instrument adds to the feel of a musical piece and how excited I get over it. I also get excited over the smallest things. Whether that’s looking up at the sky, someone complimenting me, or even nature. It may sound so ‘stupid,’ but it’s true.
I’m the sort of person who would just laugh for no reason. I constantly burst out into laughter for no apparent reason, and it scares everyone around me to be honest. They just don’t understand why it happens, and neither do I. I laugh a lot, and happiness is a fundamental part of my life. I hurt, I laugh. I dance, I laugh. I’m sat with my friends, and I laugh. Just live, feel alive, and laughter is the best reflection of that.
And last but not least, I’m me. I figure that this post was partly written to free myself. To write all these qualities about myself that makes me human, and tell myself that it’s totally okay. As someone who used to hate themselves and everything about them so much, I’ve grown to realise that hey, I’m me and that’s all that matters. I have my own unique space in this world, I’ll reach my ambitions and I’ll just be whoever I’m destined to be. Honestly, I just want to be loved for who I am. As deep as it sounds, I think everyone does. I’m quite a hard person to figure out. I’m quite stubborn, I’m quite independent, but I’m also quite sensitive and positive. I don’t blog about ‘preachy things’ because I want to be some sort of inspirational speaker. I do it because sometimes I need to remind myself of my own worth when I feel as though I have none.
I just want to be accepted for me.
Love and happiness always,