Me & my life | Mental health | Motivation | Uncategorized

Why my anxiety will never win

October 1, 2016


It’s not a secret that I have anxiety. Hi, yes I panic over people hating me, my friends not wanting to be my friends, and being a burdern to everyone in my life. Sounds dark when I put it like that, but it isn’t. I’m happy and positive 95% of the time. 

As completely irrational as it may sound to someone who has never had mental health issues before, it’s like constantly living with a ‘linger.’ It’s going to sleep happy you’ve had a ‘good day’ with low anxiety levels, and then waking up the next day and for some reason having a ‘bad day.’

When I talk about my anxiety, I am normally open about the thoughts and feelings that ferociously overflow my mind. As dark and depressing as it may sound, I live my life in the fear of people hating me. I could say something, and beat myself up over it for a good 3 days afterwards. I could worry about being alone and having no one whilst I have an amazing support group of people that surround me.

I recently had an encounter which made me extremely anxious. One thing I hate is being stared at and ridiculed, which happened to me recently and left my anxiety sky high. Although many people may have either brushed this off, or approached the person responsible and started an argument; this event left me house bound for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of the house on the following Tuesday. I was so displaced in who I was that I began to believe that I deserved to be mocked and humiliated- when I clearly don’t. The reason why I was put in that uncomfortable position is still a mystery to me, but it was the effects after what happened which triggered my anxiety to the worst point it’s been (probably ever).

When it comes to my anxious thoughts, I take comfort in a ‘safe place’ where I can talk to someone and let my thoughts and feelings out in complete confidence. Although my ‘safe place’ is no longer around, I have created my own ‘safe place’ in myself with a general plan of what to do when my anxiety reaches frightening points and I simply feel hopeless.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post on my new semi colon tattoo. In all honesty, my tattoo has helped act as a personal reminder that my story is not ready to end. Shoutout to my anxiety- you will not win. Although I reach points of such hopelessness, separation and displacement; my high anxious times normally pass. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and sometimes being reminded of that helps me realise that my anxiety and my anxious thoughts don’t deserve to impact so much on my health and it’s all about control.

As completely absurd as this may seem to someone who struggles with anxiety like me, I now also put myself in purposeful anxious positions to show myself that I can do it. When I am in the right frame of mind, I become determined enough to order my own food, go out on my own, go to events by myself or even silly things like walking down a busy street and turning round to go in a different direction. When this blog post goes up, I’ll be at the Bloggers Blog Award event on my own. I would never have done that 3 months ago.

My anxiety does not difine me. It’s as simple as that. Ironically, I am a pretty happy and positive person. Just because my brain is wired differently compared to other people doesn’t suddenly mean that I am dark and depressed all the time. Because the reality is, I’m not. I am finally at a point where I’m understanding my mental health. Where I am ready to say “HI ANXIETY YOU WILL NOT WIN,” but also accept that it’s okay if I have a ‘bad day’ because it’s going to happen. Where I have finally plucked up the courage to admit that I need help in order to help keep my anxiety under control (yes, after months of waiting and years of putting it off after fear, I have finally been referred to a mental health clinic). Small, but positive steps… right?

My anxiety will always be there in some shape or form. The sad thing about mental health illnesses, is that they don’t just disappear. It will always linger, and it will always be a constant battle. Just because I seem happy one day doesn’t automatically mean that the thoughts of hopelessness and the fear of people completely hating me just don’t go away like magic. But who I fundamentally am and my personality will always be bigger and a more dominant part of me than my anxiety. Because I’ve accepted that I can suffer from anxiety, and love making friends. I can suffer from anxiety, and still be independent. My mental health will not replace the fundamental qualities of who I am.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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  1. This is such a great post and I really really love everything you write about mental health! I also love your tattoo it really is beautiful X

  2. I feel you, well done for going to the awards yourself!! That is my biggest downfall, going places on my own, it completely stresses me out!! I wish I could get into the habit and the point where I can but I am so glad you are!!! Like you said I can’t let it win! xox

  3. Another great post lovely, you may not realise it but I think you are quite an inspiration and I’m sure a lot of your followers/readers think that too! Hope you enjoyed the Bloggers Blog Awards today!
    XX

  4. I found that I can relate to this on such a mental and emotional level. Sometimes I feel like telling people I have anxiety sounds equivalent to some sort of terminal illness. I feel like they look at me differently, and that used to bother me but I’ve come to realize that I AM different, so are they, so are you. It’s okay to be different.

    1. It really is!! I never told anyone about it for 2 years until a few months ago- and my main goal in this blog is to raise awareness. I totally agree with you lovely. X

  5. Great post love, I can definitely relate. I will not let my anxiety win or control my life. I have finally been able to take my anxiety by the reigns and got myself help, and for that I’m so thankful that I finally worked up the courage to do so. I’m so sick of being told that it’s “all in my head” because it isn’t, what I feel and fear is real and I hate that others can’t understand how I feel or what I’m going through and just ridicule me for it :/ Much love to you, thanks for sharing!! <3

    Rae // http://www.raechic.com

  6. This is an amazing post, as is eveything you wrote. You are such an inspirational person and you give such an emotional detail to mental health that to anyone who does or doesn’t have it would understand. I can really relate. Thank you for sharing!

    Jessica
    Foodandbaker.co.uk

  7. Great post! I feel it so much, especially at the moment – my worst fear of the people I love stopping loving me was realised about a month ago (boys, who needs them 😉 ) & sent my anxiety into overdrive, but I’m finally starting to feel a little more normal & under control. I got really excited earlier because of the tiniest little win over it – I ordered an extra hot drink at starbucks and nearly left without a sleeve, got to the door ie as far away from the sleeves as poss. Normally I’d have just gone and let my hands burn but today I turned around w my head held high & went to get a sleeve :’) I looked like a rght idiot but I left grinning like an idiot. Anxiety won’t win, & you’re so strong and inspirational for looking it in the face and telling it that! 🙂 x

  8. I think your so right. It’s so inspiring to hear your story and to hear that you’re not letting it control you and that’s really something to be proud of! Well Done you! I’m finding it really hard at the moment to not let my mental illness take control of things as I seem to be in a permanently bad mood recently – but there’s always tomorrow and this post has really encouraged me to be strong and prove to myself that it won’t control me! Thank You!

    Josie // JosieVictoriaa

    1. I’m so glad this post helped even just a little bit! It’s definitely hard for me at the moment too, but I’ve realised that there’s always tomorrow… and the next day etc. Take each day at a time and be patient with yourself and your mind. Thank you for the lovely feedback. X

  9. Goodness, I can relate to this! Through my research, I was able to find answers to how to cope and defeat my anxiety (wrote a few posts on my battle) and to practice self-love and implement those coping skills is no small task. You are right, we do have the power to conjure the reasons why our story does not end with anxiety winning. We are able to take control and fundamentally, we have many qualities and gifts to share! We are Divine and I love how you encourage us to see it! Thank you 🙂
    M

  10. I can really relate to your posts. Having anxiety disorder can consume almost every aspect of your life, and you do very well at portraying that.

    I think your examples were very eye opening to society. Anxiety is too often misunderstood. Especially how you can go to sleep feeling one way, and wake up feeling another way. Not knowing how you’re going to feel the next day is an anxiety in itself. Also how when someone makes you feel humiliated, you take the blame and think you deserve it. It takes time to realize that you don’t.

    I currently have a similar problem when it comes to feeling like people are against you when you consistently have a support system. Sometimes it’s hard to trust people due to past experiences, thus making the act of being supported an anxious situation. No one understands that, so it’s relieving to know that I’m not the only person who thinks that way.

    It’s very good that you do not let your anxiety win. You don’t just demonstrate how hard it is to live with anxiety, but you also show how it’s possible to get through it. I think your blog is very relatable and valuable to people who suffer and want to manage their anxiety.

    Thanks for your inspiration,

    Adultingwithanxiety.

  11. What a brave post! I, too, struggle everyday worrying that people hate me. Like it feels like the moment I walk into a room with other people I can actually feel their hatred toward me. I analyze every word, look, situation, for days afterward. It is exhausting. Although not the most exciting of situations, it was nice to relate to someone on this. Thanks for the perspective and inspiration!

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