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My thoughts in a letter…

July 14, 2016

missing quote

“To anonymous, from Becca.”

One of the main reasons I created this blog was so I could put my feelings down somewhere. As a person who occasionally has so many thoughts and feelings roaming around my head all at once, I find that sometimes it helps to pour my feelings into writing. In some ways this post is going to be like a letter. A letter for someone in which I may not want to say this to them personally, but I need to let my feelings of the matter out somewhere. And here is my safe place to do so. Now, you may be wondering why you’re halfway into reading the introduction of a blog post which is a ‘letter’ for one certain person only. However, I have found that exploring other people’s feelings on certain matters, can help channel my own. I hope in this blog post that you are able to open your eyes to emotions. To how crucial personal emotions are to an individual and how they are nothing to ultimately be ashamed of.

Time. Memories. Hurt. Pain. Loss. They are all factors which are included in my scary, yet exciting journey, to move on. The thing with relationships, is that they begin and they end. To me, it’s scary going from being “everything” to someone, to “nothing” in the space of 24 hours. To me, it’s scary from being able to be there for someone and to care for them, to them shutting you out of their life completely. It’s scary, and it does hurt. To have everything and then have nothing. And that’s what I did have. I had everything I wanted at this point in my life, and sometimes you don’t realise it until it’s too late. I had someone who I cared about more than I had with anyone else before- and I don’t know why this person was different. If you’ve read my piece on the healing heart, you may see a lot of comparisons when it comes to topics of writing in this post.

It’s funny, isn’t it? The feeling of missing someone and not knowing if they feel the same back. Or if they still even remember if you exist. If you randomly cross their mind, or if they’ve wiped you from their life and memory completely and are moving on to bigger and better things. Missing someone is one of the most powerful feelings you can endure. You don’t know what it feels like to miss someone until it happens, but at the same time, you know they probably don’t feel the same back. It’s a vicious circle of your feelings, missing someone, and then hating yourself for feeling so strongly about someone who you’re unsure as to whether they even still like you or not. It’s such a complicated emotion. You tear yourself apart with the happy memories as cliché as it may sound, and you let them linger constantly in your mind. These past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. From being hurt, and then telling myself I don’t care, to admitting to myself I do care. In break ups, self pride is such a big thing that we sometimes use it to make ourselves feel better. But do you know what I’ve realised? I have no shame in missing someone. I have no shame in looking back on my relationship and knowing what I did right and wrong. I have no shame in feeling a thousand different emotions on this matter, because if I didn’t, did my relationship really mean as much to me as I thought it did?

“It hurts missing someone and not being able to do anything about it.”

The sad truth about me is that I’m hard to love. It takes me a lot to really fall for someone, let alone really love someone, which is why it hurts so much. I build my guard up so high- scared to let people in due to the constant fear of them hurting me. I spend relationships in worry, in wanting reassurance that I won’t be left and that this isn’t some ‘joke’ just so people can laugh and make fun of me at the end of it all. I guess that has something to do with my anxiety. I once got told that I was “the best person to walk into [insert name’s] life.” And you know what my initial reaction was? That they were lying. How could someone who can’t even love themselves properly yet be loved by someone else? It was such a foreign concept to me. But at the same time, I felt I wasn’t good enough. I was told all this and my mind was filled with, “What if you’re not good enough,” “You don’t deserve him, he can do better.” It’s not a healthy mind set to be in when you’re in a relationship, despite being reassured countless times that this wasn’t the case. Me building my walls up so high and then letting them come crashing down ruined us in the end. It’s scary to think that despite how much I was worried about not being good enough. I ended up not being good enough just by worrying over it, ultimately.

And then there’s the feelings on my end. Have you ever had someone who you care about so much that you would do anything for them and you don’t know why? It’s like they entered your life for a reason, but that reason is still unknown. I felt, and still feel, so much care and compassion for this individual that it’s hard to describe. I think it’s because I understand them and their feelings more than I think they do. They spend their life hiding their true feelings in fear, and it was like a puzzle for me to work out. He ultimately had his guard up too. I think that’s what made him one of the strongest people I have ever encountered. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be different to anyone he’d previously been with and I wanted to be better. I wanted to show him what it felt like to genuinely feel cared for and to find comfort in me being his ‘safe place,’ the option was always open if he needed someone to talk to, but it wasn’t required. The fact that even though he’s scared of getting hurt, he still tries to hide that he does. Ultimately, he became scared that I was going to “fall out of love with him,” which was never the case, and I can confidently say never will be the case. Like I mentioned in my healing heart post, love doesn’t just die if it genuinely is love. The fact is, no matter what, I will still be there for this person. If they need someone to work out their feelings for them. If they’re ever scared of anything. If they ever need someone to talk to. But he ran. And he’s still running.

My main message is to not give up on someone you deeply care about. Don’t shut them out. Don’t leave them in the dark. Be there, always. I may have lost this person who means more to me than I ever imagined they would, but you don’t have to make the same mistake I made. Tell that person you’ve wanted to for so long that you love them. Hold your boyfriend or girlfriend tight and don’t let them go. At the end of the day, what have you got to loose? Be grateful for who’s in your life, and be grateful for the people who truly cared about you because you may never know what tomorrow might bring. It truly hurts loosing someone who brought so much light and happiness into your life.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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